Things I meant to say...

S/FX A MAN COUGHS LOUDLY.

BTW
‘Cough, Cough.’ I’m over the worst of my bronchial infection (OK. So you’d call it a ‘man cold').

Works under consideration: 3
JazzZombies in my garden: 0 (I think they’re all in Brighton)
Gogol Bordello Tracks in my head: 2
Dark Angels appreciated and rejected: ‘S’ (That’s just the one then)
Films to write: 1
Cheery thoughts: 1 empty swimming pool, 500 naked women, 1 Jimmy Choo catalogue


So here it is. I’m a coward. I’m also very witty after the event. So here are some lines I made up and didn’t use to REAL people.

The Frenchman

The Boss

George W Bush

Can you spot what I said only in my head?




The Frenchman
An important Frenchman once criticised my choice of wine (it was a gentle tease). Here’s what was said.

PHILIPPE:
This is not wine. This is soft fruit in a bottle.

JIM:
Haha! Philippe why don’t you stop being French for a moment? Why not try something different? Why not try being Scottish for the evening? That way you wouldn’t have to worry about your hair, your clothes, or Johnny Halliday, and you could stay up all night polishing your caber.




The Boss
Imagine a Lancashire accent mixed with strong beer.

BOSS:
I like to keep fit with at the gym Jim. How do you keep fit?

JIM:
HaHa! I f**k Polar Bears. Not only does it keep me fit it reduces my carbon footprint by 72.2 per cent.




George W Bush

JIM:
Mr President. Have another pretzel.



‘It's a stupid thing we say, Cursing tomorrow with sorrow…’