Things I meant to say...

S/FX A MAN COUGHS LOUDLY.

BTW
‘Cough, Cough.’ I’m over the worst of my bronchial infection (OK. So you’d call it a ‘man cold').

Works under consideration: 3
JazzZombies in my garden: 0 (I think they’re all in Brighton)
Gogol Bordello Tracks in my head: 2
Dark Angels appreciated and rejected: ‘S’ (That’s just the one then)
Films to write: 1
Cheery thoughts: 1 empty swimming pool, 500 naked women, 1 Jimmy Choo catalogue


So here it is. I’m a coward. I’m also very witty after the event. So here are some lines I made up and didn’t use to REAL people.

The Frenchman

The Boss

George W Bush

Can you spot what I said only in my head?




The Frenchman
An important Frenchman once criticised my choice of wine (it was a gentle tease). Here’s what was said.

PHILIPPE:
This is not wine. This is soft fruit in a bottle.

JIM:
Haha! Philippe why don’t you stop being French for a moment? Why not try something different? Why not try being Scottish for the evening? That way you wouldn’t have to worry about your hair, your clothes, or Johnny Halliday, and you could stay up all night polishing your caber.




The Boss
Imagine a Lancashire accent mixed with strong beer.

BOSS:
I like to keep fit with at the gym Jim. How do you keep fit?

JIM:
HaHa! I f**k Polar Bears. Not only does it keep me fit it reduces my carbon footprint by 72.2 per cent.




George W Bush

JIM:
Mr President. Have another pretzel.



‘It's a stupid thing we say, Cursing tomorrow with sorrow…’

The Jeremy Kyle Show on Ice

Works under consideration: 5
JazzZombies in my garden: 7
Carbon Footprint: Hobbit
Innocent Thoughts: Lace & Silk


Channel 4 4Laughs Competition this week – is Tony and Cherie Blair appearing on the' Jeremy Kyle Show.' Write a one minute sketch of what happens.

First I had to look up Jeremy Kyle. I’d not heard of him so I caught some flavour on YouTube. I get the picture. A VERY important chap, a bear pit, and interviewees made up of men who can trace their children back to their sisters, and women who frighten firemen.

Below is the sketch in full. Please add your own sequins and imagine yourself slightly drunk wondering why the woman you love tastes of Kebab and what a wonderful idea UKTV Gold really is…

THE JEREMY KYLE ‘SHUT IT’ SHOW ON ICE!

S/FX JEREMY KYLE THEME TUNE MIXED WITH THE THEME FROM THE SWEENY

CU ON ‘JEREMY KYLE’ PULL OUT TO REVEAL HIM WEARING AN ICE DANCE CAT SUIT. REVEAL ALAN AND JUSTIN WEARING ICE DANCE OUTFITS

JEREMY:
I’m Jeremy Kyle. On today’s show, are you a serial TV HERO…on ice? In the studio some really nice people, Tony and Cherie Blair.

CHERIE:
My client is a distinguished politician of many years standing.

JEREMY:
We’ll be the judge of that!

CHERIE:
He has a close relationship with you people.

JEREMY:
Your husband is so bent it’s been impossible to hang the pictures straight at No 10 for the last two years. That’s a fact! What do you say Tony? Are you going to cough to being a TV Hero?

TONY (looking down at his cat suit):
Cherie. I’ve got a hard on like a milk bottle.

CHERIE:
Tony Shut it! And dance.

TONY AND CHERIE START TO DANCE IN AN EXAGGERATED ICE DANCE SORT OF WAY

JEREMY:
I’m Jeremy Kyle. Tony are you the voice of reason?

TONY (to Cherie):
I said shut it!

CHERIE:
I said shut it.

TONY:
Shut it Bitch!

CHERIE:
Shut it Ton’!

JEREMY:
I’m Inspector Jeremy Kyle. Flying Squad!

TONY:
I said shut it first.

CHERIE:
I said shut it second.

TONY:
I said Shut it! Shut it! Shut it. Shut it! Shut it! Shut it! Shut it.

CHERIE DOESN’T REACT

TONY (cont.):
I would like to thank the country for that moment.

CHERIE (whispering out of the side of her mouth):
Shut it.

TONY:
You what?

CHERIE:
I said. SHUT IT!

JEREMY KYLE
I’m Jeremy Kyle.

TONY:
Shut it Jeremy.

CHERIE:
Yeah. Shut it Jeremy.

JEREMY KYLE:
I’m Gordon Brown.

TONY & CHERIE
Shut it Gordon!

TONY AND CHERIE RUSH JEREMY AND DRAG HIM TO THE GROUND. THEY SIT ON HIM ALL THE TIME SCREAMING ‘SHUT IT GORDON!” JEREMY MANAGES TO FREE HIS HEAD AND LOOKS INTO CAMERA

JEREMY:
I’m Jeremy Kyle. They seem like really nice people.

- END -

James Blackshaw plays guitar