The Jeremy Kyle Show on Ice

Works under consideration: 5
JazzZombies in my garden: 7
Carbon Footprint: Hobbit
Innocent Thoughts: Lace & Silk


Channel 4 4Laughs Competition this week – is Tony and Cherie Blair appearing on the' Jeremy Kyle Show.' Write a one minute sketch of what happens.

First I had to look up Jeremy Kyle. I’d not heard of him so I caught some flavour on YouTube. I get the picture. A VERY important chap, a bear pit, and interviewees made up of men who can trace their children back to their sisters, and women who frighten firemen.

Below is the sketch in full. Please add your own sequins and imagine yourself slightly drunk wondering why the woman you love tastes of Kebab and what a wonderful idea UKTV Gold really is…

THE JEREMY KYLE ‘SHUT IT’ SHOW ON ICE!

S/FX JEREMY KYLE THEME TUNE MIXED WITH THE THEME FROM THE SWEENY

CU ON ‘JEREMY KYLE’ PULL OUT TO REVEAL HIM WEARING AN ICE DANCE CAT SUIT. REVEAL ALAN AND JUSTIN WEARING ICE DANCE OUTFITS

JEREMY:
I’m Jeremy Kyle. On today’s show, are you a serial TV HERO…on ice? In the studio some really nice people, Tony and Cherie Blair.

CHERIE:
My client is a distinguished politician of many years standing.

JEREMY:
We’ll be the judge of that!

CHERIE:
He has a close relationship with you people.

JEREMY:
Your husband is so bent it’s been impossible to hang the pictures straight at No 10 for the last two years. That’s a fact! What do you say Tony? Are you going to cough to being a TV Hero?

TONY (looking down at his cat suit):
Cherie. I’ve got a hard on like a milk bottle.

CHERIE:
Tony Shut it! And dance.

TONY AND CHERIE START TO DANCE IN AN EXAGGERATED ICE DANCE SORT OF WAY

JEREMY:
I’m Jeremy Kyle. Tony are you the voice of reason?

TONY (to Cherie):
I said shut it!

CHERIE:
I said shut it.

TONY:
Shut it Bitch!

CHERIE:
Shut it Ton’!

JEREMY:
I’m Inspector Jeremy Kyle. Flying Squad!

TONY:
I said shut it first.

CHERIE:
I said shut it second.

TONY:
I said Shut it! Shut it! Shut it. Shut it! Shut it! Shut it! Shut it.

CHERIE DOESN’T REACT

TONY (cont.):
I would like to thank the country for that moment.

CHERIE (whispering out of the side of her mouth):
Shut it.

TONY:
You what?

CHERIE:
I said. SHUT IT!

JEREMY KYLE
I’m Jeremy Kyle.

TONY:
Shut it Jeremy.

CHERIE:
Yeah. Shut it Jeremy.

JEREMY KYLE:
I’m Gordon Brown.

TONY & CHERIE
Shut it Gordon!

TONY AND CHERIE RUSH JEREMY AND DRAG HIM TO THE GROUND. THEY SIT ON HIM ALL THE TIME SCREAMING ‘SHUT IT GORDON!” JEREMY MANAGES TO FREE HIS HEAD AND LOOKS INTO CAMERA

JEREMY:
I’m Jeremy Kyle. They seem like really nice people.

- END -

James Blackshaw plays guitar