This is not a recording

1934 couldn't leave a message

Works under consideration: 4
Dark Angel: Faded
Pyrates: x
Banditos: x
Penguins: ?
First Thought this morning: ‘I like pillows.’
State of Mind: Viking Mother
Comedy Writing WordMix: Bob The Builder – Yes Darling – tax – jelly – reap clowns – 300 marketing girls = something floating.

299
Things to do. None of them involving ruling the world via the InterWebthingoogle. Here’s something I’ve written for a competition on Channel 4. It’s for a sound file. Now if I can get garageband to sound like I’m on the phone I’ll be posting it dear blog scanner.

I seem to have a fixation with phones. Well I used to work online., on the phone lines for a tech support company. I thought I’d died and gone, well died. Just died. Still one more chorus of ‘We shall overcome.’ And lets get on with the…

This is not a recording


S/FX: PHONE DIALLING


VOICE:
Welcome to [INTERFERENCE] Online. Please have your customer number ready. Please have your credit card, PIN and password ready. Please have your name ready.

WILL:
Come on. Come on. Come on.

VOICE:
If you wish to make a payment press ONE now. If you wish to talk to technical support press TWO. If you wish to right the wrongs of a totalitarian state press THREE and talk to AMNESTY INTERNATIONAL. Press Hash at any time.

WILL:
What’s the hash sign?

VOICE:
O Man.

WILL:
What?

VOICE:
This is a recording. Press hash at any time. Press NINE to hear the last message again.


S/FX: BEEP


VOICE: (cont.)
Press Hash at any time.


S/FX: BEEP


VOICE:
Not that one.

WILL:
Excuse me.

VOICE:
Press your self…for amusement.


S/FX: BEEP


VOICE: (cont.)
I hadn’t finished. Press NINE to hear that again in an accent of your choice, press, no smoke, the hash sign AT ANY TIME, press one for a composite Irish accent, two for Glasgowegian Alsatian, press three for Geordie, hang on a minute, PET three for Geordie, press five for Dutch.

A BEAT

VOICE: (cont.)
Yes.

WILL:
You missed four.

VOICE:
Press Four to hear the HASH sign. Press The red button now for subtitles. Touch the green screen NOW

S/FX: BEEP

VOICE: (cont.)
You have selected…five for Dutch.
Press ONE, YES THAT’S RIGHT FOR HASH, PRESS TWO AND EIGHT, NOW. ENTER YOUR FOUR DIGIT PIN, YOUR MOTHER’S MAIDEN NAME AND METHOD OF BIRTH. ENTER YOUR MOBILE NUMBER SUBSTITUTING ANY TWO DIGITS WITH THE WORD PUDDLE.

WILL:
Just a minute. I know you’re a person…I…

VOICE:
This is a recording. Press on to switch on your toaster. Press Off to switch the lights off. Press WICK for flights to Scotland. Press-up for exercise, PRESS release for publicity, press gang, for the boys in the hood, press HASH at any time. Press box for the time of your life, press Tosser for Russell Brand, Press Print to complain about your phone call, press on regardless. This is recording. PRESS your local MP for an honest answer. Press Stephen Fry for a good time. Press Stephen Hawking for the meaning of Germans.

WILL:
It’s not a recording.

VOICE:
Yes it is!

WILL:
If this is a recording how did you know how to reply in a rational manner.

A BEAT

VOICE:
I guessed.

S/FX: PHONE HANGING UP FOLLOWED BY ONE LONG TONE

VOICE: (singing)
Press ‘O’ if you would like this recording mimed.

F/FX: ONE LONG TONE FADES OUT

- END -



Tune into the next blog
‘Mr Anonymous’ is taking shape. But not ready for this world. I’ll say something Scottish (I’m in the far north at the weekend – for a Christmas party, welcome to my world).

That was great I got to write without a Penguin, a Bandido, or any Pyrates wandering through my blog or dinning-room.

See you later.

It’s been emotional


MUDDY: (V.O.)
“BOOM-BOOM, BOOM-BOOM, BOOM-BOOM, BOOM-BOOM”

TREVOR:
Shhhhhh!

MUDDY:
He’s not here man.

TREVOR:
He might come back.

MUDDY:
Man let’s play some tunes, chill, and smoke.

TREVOR:
I’m a Rockhopper Penguin wearing a cardigan. I DO NOT CHILL!

MUDDY:
Man you need to meditate, or surf, or both.

TREVOR:
Can we get on? I’ve a blog to visit.

MUDDY:
Cool man. Where we going?

TREVOR:
I think we’ll try Ken Levine.

MUDDY:
Has he got fish?


"THHWAP!" - [THE SOUND OF A SMALL FLIPPER HITTING A LARGE EMPEROR PENGUIN BELLY]