Sunday, October 21, 2007

Ruby, Ruby, Ruby...

JimKin's Escape

Today is Ruby day.
I write comedy scripts, TV, short film, radio, live, physical theatre pieces, stand up, and I blog. I write poetry in extremes of emotions. When I’m very negative, haven’t had to do that for years and when I’m in love, true deep, overwhelming love.

I don’t think I can write prose but I did try it for a very deep and personal reason. I wrote most of the fourth book for The Lord of The Rings. Called the Ring of Loss it contained me. Yep I wrote myself into Middle Earth, a place full of the wonders of that world but with a few additions like ‘fluffy coffee'= Latte, a mute girl called Nine, an insufferable boorish hunter called Mermann, a dwarf warrior called Ori Firebeard, a Ranger called Looker, and Radagast, a hopeless and forgetful Wizard, a pony called Scone, and of course I had to have Christmas at Bag End.

I was my own hero ‘The Writer.’ I faced fearsome Wargs, temptation from a lady shape-shifter called ’Scar’ and a visitation from ‘The Dark Angel’ a woman so beautiful you could taste her with your eyes.

And of course I had to have a heroine. My heroine was a lady Hobbit called ‘Ruby.’

Here’s an extract

Chapter 11 – Mermann The Hunter

Mermann gets the drop on myself and Ruby.

…A man, I'll give him the benefit of the doubt, as my instant impression was of a lummox in tweed, too much food and time on his hands, and not enough time for others, lumbered into view and he held a loaded cross-bow...

But due to my GENIUS and Ruby’s gumption we get the drop on him…

Mermann was now within smelling distance, mostly sausage an onions I'd say.

I turned the Nine’s sweet face to the brute...

"Look closer."

"Ruby could you help Mr Mermann with his bow."

Ruby didn't miss a beat and held out her hands.

Mermann placed the loaded bow in Ruby's open hands...

"In your own time Ruby."

"What?" Said the idiot.

Ruby raised her eyebrows in pleasure and kicked him straight in the goolies.

He went down faster than a sack of spuds in a famine.

I then attempt to recreate a William Tell type feat of marksmanship but I don’t have an apple.

"Now I was going to tell you a story about a hero from a place called Europe. He shot an Apple from the head of his son to show his marksmanship . An extraordinary feat, you'll agree."

"Yes!" He whimpered."

"But I don't seem to have an Apple."

"Ruby - The Raisin!"

Ruby made a polite curtsey, took the raisin from my hand and approached Mermann. I lit a cigarette. Always at my best with a fag on the go...

Ruby made great ceremony of placing the shriveled fruit on the top of his brown haired dome. I took a drag and pondered my options.

Nine had come closer to see the outcome. She held the pony's reins. The pony was still on edge and was pawing the ground. Ruby returned to my side...

Mermann tried some charm.

"You must be a fantastic shot to attempt such a feat. A man of much experience?"


"Never shot one of these before."

"Shall we get on?" I said.

I bent down and whispered to Ruby.

"I'll shoot wide and then we take the girl and the pony and make our way to Hamble. The rest of the Company will make their way there, I'm sure...

"Could you string him along a bit more?"

"For you? Of course."

Woman can be sooooo hard.

"Mermann. I think this is rather easy."

"Just turn side on and I'll try and hit the raisin at an angle..."

Mermann turned side on. He had no choice.

I took a few more paces back, just to make it look dramatic...

"Now head up a little."
I adjusted my stance and continued enjoying my cigarette. I took in the scene. Mermann shaking and almost drooling with fear. Ruby relaxed and enjoying herself. 'Nine' rather pensive but transfixed and the pony trying to lick its wound.

I finished my cigarette and pulled the bow to my shoulder.

"Ready Mermann?"

He nodded and the raisin fell off...

"Idiot!" Ruby exclaimed as marched over and replaced the shrunken fruit.

I pulled the bow into my shoulder again and squeezed the trigger and aimed wide to Mermann's right. Just as I put final pressure on the trigger the pony reared up, clipping 'Nine's' shoulder, she stumbled into Ruby. As Ruby went down she reached out to steady herself, grabbed my hand, pulled me down...and...


The Tweed Fool screamed in agony. The bolt from the bow had entered both his buttocks and pinned him to the stump, so tightly he was forced onto his tip toes.
There he tottered, unable to put his feat down, with a big bolt through his bum, in silent agony as the pain spread through his body...

The raisin still on his head.

Later the rest of the party return…

"You know Ruby we should take that bolt out. Must be very painful."

"You're right!"

'Do you think they'll bring some food back with them?"

"Maybe." I replied. "Could do with a Latte."

'Nine' had stopped kicking and was content just to glare at Mermann.

I walked forward and started to tug at the bolt.

"Ruby can you give me a hand?"

Well Mermann just wouldn't stop screaming. It took as a good minute to work the bolt out. He started to bleed quite heavily.

"You should never take a weapon out of a wound without cauterizing it immediately."
Radagast, Ori, and Looker had returned.

"O' sorry." I started putting the bolt back. Mermann fainted.

"Give it to me." I gave the bolt to Radagast. He mumbled a minor incantation and the end glowed red hot...

Mermann started to come out of his faint...

Radagast bent down and sealed the wound.


The smell of burning buttock and singed Tweed filled the air.

- END -

I got to Chapter 16 and I stopped. There’s a lot more to tell one day.

Ruby will live on…


At 8:01 pm, Blogger Les Becker said...

Hilarious! The screams are still ringing in my head.

And apples...? There are many, many apples Where the Walls are Soft today. Take your pick. Had I known, I'd have had them there for you sooner.

At 9:22 pm, Blogger JimKin said...

Glad to amuse...

Love them apples - beautiful pix!

At 10:46 pm, Blogger Les Becker said...

OMIGOD! The Tundra comic strip just ripped off your William Tell-ish raisin spoof! Or maybe, great minds think alike?

I can't find it online, so I may have to scan it and email it to you. I think you should either sue the guy or send the Pyrates off to his drawing board to raise havoc.

At 6:49 pm, Blogger JimKin said...

The Pyrates will board his vessel with many a ripe apple, and two dozen of the LARGEST of bananas!



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