Thursday, November 22, 2007

CHOCOLATE SHOES FOUND IN PRADA HANDBAG


He was a MOTHERLABRADOR

Works under consideration: 25
Current Dominant Thought: Why Dark Angels are bad for you

Ignore me
I’m writing headlines for ladies…

Here’s one for the boys

FERRET SCORES WEMBLEY WINNER – DOESN’T SPILL HIS BEER!

I like ferrets…


Channel ‘Bloody’ 4
Still not a squeak out of them and all the material I’ve entered; 15 bits of work in their competitions! The web site has been down for the last month…Grrrrr


And now in the first in the last of a series


Quentin Tarantino woes Jane Austen over a pint of Bitter


WARNING
Rude words including FUCK, FUCKER, AND MOTHERFUCKER have been replaced with the word ‘LABRADOR’ ‘LABRADOR-ER’ and ’MOTHERLABRADOR’



SCENE
INT/NIGHT
A SLEAZY BAR IN THE BACK STREETS OF LIVERPOOL

QUENTIN SIPS AT A SMALL AMONTILLADO SHERRY. JANE FINISHES HER PINT. WIPES HER MOUTH WITH A FLOPPY LACE CUFF. SHE TAKES A DRAG FROM HER SMOKE

JANE:
Quent’ wat ya godda remember is…

QUENTIN:
My dear lady of silken honey.

JANE:
Ditch the hyperbole white boy.

QUENTIN:
OK. OK. It was like the most Christmases in a row, the stars filled my dick and I was a Lion, you know one those African MotherLabradors. A mean Labrador-er’ roaring Labrador, Labrador, LABRADOR YOU, you Terrier* sucking Corgi!**

JANE:
Then what did your Mother say?

QUENTIN:
She just ran sister.

JANE TAKES HER THIRD PINT AND WINKS AT SOME DOCKERS

JANE:
So one last cigarette and then…

QUENTIN:
What have we been talking about? Yeah, no-more-liquor-stores. Besides, it ain't the giggle it usta be. Too many foreigners own liquor stores. Vietnamese, Koreans, they can't Labradorin' speak English. You tell 'em: "Empty out the register," and they don't know what it Labradorin' means. They make it too personal. We keep on, one of those gook motherLabradors' gonna make us kill 'em. What we gonna’ do now Lady?

JANE:
I Labrador you till you stop breathing.


END


My thanks to Les for the inspiration of this little piece. I’m now off to proof some stuff for my new Web site, write something silly and edit Jane Austen’s lost work ‘Mother Fucking Abbey.’


*That’s right ‘cock’
**Corgi (did you know Quentin was into Corgis?)



QUENTIN: (V.O)
You gotta catch me first Sister.

JANE: (V.O.)
It won’t be hard.

QUENTIN: (V.O.)
Then you won’t bother catching me.

S/FX: SHOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSHHHHHHH.
AS HALF A PINT OF BEER ERUPTS FROM JANE’S NOSE

S/FX: RUNNING FEET FADING INTO THE DISTANCE


2 Comments:

At 4:44 pm, Blogger Les Becker said...

ROTFL! So much better than I imagined, too... except for the juddering. Where's the juddering?!

 
At 8:46 pm, Blogger JimKin said...

Bugger!

You realize that I'm going to have to write 'The Second in The Last of a Series?'

Bugger!

OK. I'll have a think, a drink, a lie, down, something meaty, and put my 'Thinking Trousers' Sorry I mean 'Thinking Pants' on and get right back to you.

Judder indeed...

Purrr...

 

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