Sooty and Weep - Comedy Writing Engines

Prince Charles hands himself into the British Association of Comedy Writers.

I meant “Paki and weep.”

A short homage to the glory of Windsor:-

SCENE 1
INT/DAY
THE HOUSE OF WINDSOR

PRINCE CHARLES:
Now Harry. No more using the word ‘Paki.’

PRINCE HARRY:
What about Coon?

PRINCE CHARLES:
Coon is fine. Just don’t film yourself saying it.

VOICE:
Umama ingane!

PRINCE CHARLES:
Holy fuck son what’s that?

PRINCE HARRY:
That’s one of my Zulus.

PRINCE CHARLES:
I’ve told you before you have to put them back into the wild.

PRINCE HARRY:
But Dad I’ve only got one Impi left.

PRINCE CHARLES:
I’m fed up with you recreating Rorke’s Drift every evening, you’re bedroom is a complete tip. For god’s sake this is the nineteenth century.

- END -


COMEDY WRITING ENGINES
What do you mean the comedy engine?

The comedy writing engine is what drives the comedy, the idea, in whatever writing discipline. At it’s simplest , in the piece above it was Prince Charles , or PC calling a friend ‘Sooty.’

It’s funny living in the past…

For longer work it underpins the whole piece. A sitcom or a play may have more than one engine, it may have a different engine for each scene.

A fun way to come up with an engine is to think of: X versus Y.

A WORK IN PROGRESS
The Tiger T’s

Currently I’m working on some short films or ‘blips’ as I call them to promote a commercial Web site and also to use as a comedy writing calling card, and because it’s fun.

So I have two Tiger hand puppets that will be filmed in scenes of no longer than one minute. O’ and they live in bra (Tiger T’s?).

Kevin and Leftie as I’ve christened them need some character, a physical difference and a RANGE of engines that I can use, play with, and develop.

Here are the engines I first come up with:-

Leftie v Kevin
Left v Right
Sensible Tiger Good Time Tiger
Neurotic v Carefree
Homebody v Outgoing Extrovert
Intellect v Appetite
Logic v Creative

Now I imagine ten scenes to work on One of the first I come up with is going on a date. How would each react to being ‘fondled?’

Kevin is the right ‘Good Time Tiger. Leftie is the sensible Tiger.

When Kevin has his head rubbed he will rub back and:-

KEVIN:
Purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Leftie on being fondled:-

LEFTIE:
I was looking for a more cerebral approach.

The engine is Left v Right brain. This contrast, two opposites, in the same bra, will motivate, ie be the engine, for all the comedy.

Tune in Next Time for…
How I develop the Tiger T’s.
Prince Charles finally joins Amnesty International and seeks asylum in the last century.
The credit crunch gets nasty when, due to an administrative error, the UK’s last credit card is confiscated.

Random Band Mix
The Clash v Smokey Robinson
‘Rock The Clown’

Employment Prospects for Mr Jonathan Ross and Mr Russell Brand*

What would you say to a nice job on Radio 2?

Works under consideration: 1
Current Dominant Thought: Twitter Sit Coms
Ideas in my head: 19.17


Actors…calling all Actors…ACTORS!
I’m in desperate need of some performers to put on my ‘Live Sit Com’ and can I find any? Can I bugger. I’ve looked all over the hills, dales, and ponds of Hertfordshire and found not one. I’ve contacted all the local theatre companies and not one bite.

Plan Bz0.12
I’ll have to join Shooting People and look at Talent Circle and I may end up paying them….ARSEBISCUITS!

S/FX: A SLIPPERY AND SIZZLING SOUND LIKE A LARGE TONGUE BEING DRAGGED OVER A FRESHLY WASHED LINOLEUM FLOOR

CWiW:
Hello?

JONATHAN ROSS:
I think I can help.

CWiW:
How can you help me? Have you got a performance company down your trousers?

JONATHAN ROSS:
Funny you should…

CWiW:
I said company. Anyway I need someone to entertain a suicide bomber.

JONATHAN ROSS:
I’m your man.

CWiW:
He’s over there in the blog next door. Put this dress on, start skipping, and whatever you do mention that you are a decadent dandy with no fear of beard-wearing murdering bigots.

S/FX BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

CWiW:
There goes the Internet. Still, leaves some space for the rest of us friendly types.

- END -


Random Mix
The Beach Boys v Bob Marley & The Wailers
‘God Only Knows Jamming’



*Jobs for Mr Russell Brand
1. Pipe Cleaner
2. Hare at a Greyhound Track
3. A stole to keep Gordon Brown’s neck warm

Sitcom Writing Workshop - The 'Shitegeist'

Seven Words You SHOULD Say on Television

Works under consideration: 1
Current Dominant Thought: Comedy Writing Thrills
Ideas in my head: 9.17


Sitcom Writing Workshops - The ‘Shitegeist’*

Had a fab time yesterday with a bunch of sitcom writers at a workshop organized by Ever1sacritic . A big thank you to Simon and Declan especially for making it all happen and creating such a supportive and fun atmosphere. And another big SHOUTING thank you to all the other writers that made the whole day such a pleasure and a ‘Hoot.’

THINGS LEARNED
- Comedy writing is hard work.
- A writer’s work is never done
- Reading your work to others is ‘scary’
- Cock’ is, well, everywhere…
- Avoid multi-story orphanages
- Swearing is fun
- Talking to other writers is liberating and is now part of the ‘Shitegeist.’

I need to take my piece ‘Hitting Things’ and workshop it with some actors and work with them to get the most out of the physical business. I didn’t realize that the work was so visual and one of the best things about the day was not having to EXPLAIN what it would look like.


MULTI-STAGE-WRITING-THING
I wrote “Hitting Things’ especially for Every1sacritc and it has only had one draft so far and nine hours work. When I come to a 1st draft I’ve already infested a lot of time in mapping what will happen. I start with an idea and break down the action into chunks and just what happens on one side of an index card. On the other side I write my ideas and mark up the visual element, s/fx, what the characters are doing and general ideas that may or may not work, and more besides….

Then I write a beat or ‘step’ sheet where every action is written out a line at a time.

The beat sheet is the map for writing the 1st draft**

If I was writing a longer piece I would use a giant piece of paper and write up all the different elements that go into creating a piece, everything from music, to the group dynamic for that scene. I picked this up at an Arvon course on Physical Theatre and I read recently that John Cleese and Connie Booth did the same thing to work out the plots of Fawlty Towers , only using the back of a roll of wallpaper…

Swearing is Fun
George Carlin captured almost our entire vocabulary of the day. Enjoy the clip and here’s a previous blog entry where I imagine Quentin Tarantino woes Jane Austen Quentin Tarantino woes Jane Austen but I’ve used some cunning word substitution…


Tune in Next Time…
Tools for developing comedy characters.


Random Mix
Green Day v Cornershop
‘Brimful of American Idiots’


*©Gary Lynch

**I must write the process up (mind you it changes every time I write)

Subject: Secret Policeman’s Ball Congratulations

Excuse me Sir, were you expecting a bastard?


Works under consideration: 0
Current Dominant Thought: Comedy Writing Dreams
Ideas: 9.1


Subject: Secret Policeman’s Ball Congratulations

It’s a struggle. Writing comedy is lonely and you never know if you’ve done a good job until you show it to someone and they laugh.

I had a big thrill this week. I entered a sketch writing competition for the Secret Policeman’s Ball. Write a pitch in 140 characters. Here’s my entry:-


Celebrity water-boarding with Jonathan Ross starts well with David Cameron & a glass of water but ends badly with Sarah Palin gargling the Star-Spangled Banner.

And I received this email:-



From: Russell Barnes
Subject: Secret Policeman’s Ball Congratulations
Date Received: 30 September 10:01 am


Good morning and congratulations!

Your entry for the Secret Policeman's Ball sketch competition was highly commended by the Ball Writer's Group, which means you've won a DVD of this year's ball - hurrah!

Unfortunately for one reason or another these won't be available until after Christmas, however if you could send me your address we'll send them out as soon as we get them in the office. I'm sorry for the delay, but well done for being funny.


take care

Russell Barnes
Entertainment Editor
Channel 4 Television


So I feel good…I feel fine.

Next week I’m off to a workshop with every1sacritic and have a reading of my sitcom script ‘Hitting Things.’

The fight goes on…



Where’s The Comedy – Train of Fun/Train of Hurt?

Last time I wrote about working with actors. I’m so looking forward to doing my own workshops. Here’s the second exercise I would use to gaugue the strength and the nature of the performer.

EXERCISE 2
Walking and looking.

I learned this exercise at the Desmond Jones School of Mime and Physical Theatre.

Two performers. Stand at opposite ends of a space. On a prompt they walk past each other and take up position where the other stood. They look each other in the eye and…

That’s it. They stand and look at each other. Everyone else in the group watches them. And you wait and you can wait a long time for something to happen.

No acting is involved, no routines, no hiding behind some ‘shtick,’ nope. There’s nothing but the performers and the space, o’ and the audience.

It’s a killer, it’s love, it’s all those open wounds, it’s raw, it’s scary and it’s electric because of the simplicity. Man v man usually becomes a battle of wills. Women v women – I’ve seen this turn into a stalking and on one occasion I did it with a woman and all I felt was warm love – like sunshine on my bare back.

Try it. Don’t let anyone ‘ACT!’ It’s different every time, it’s always fascinating, and often electric.

Variations: try putting another person into the space and see what happens. Indeed you can add performer after performer – if you want an idea of how the dynamic will work.

A word of warning: Be very aware that you can hurt some one who is at a vulnerable time in their life and you should be ready to offer support and comfort. I’ve seen a lot of tears and seemingly strong people crumble to the another’s force.

If you want to know anymore drop me a line jim [at] dreamdrill dot com

Tune in Next Time…
How did the workshop go?
Tools for developing comedy characters.


Random Mix
The Undertones v Steven Wright
I Still Have Teenage Pony Kicks

Kicking Comedy Ideas around till they GIVE IN!

Now all he needed was a pen and some paper

Works under consideration: 0
Current Dominant Thought: Beep…Beep…Beep…
Ideas: 0.273


This post started with the one previous if you read that one the following may make sense…

COUNTDOWN TILL Every1Sarcastic Competition – 21 Days

IDEAS
Do you want limitless ideas?
It’s easy
You may have your own way of creating them. There are hundreds of people writing about creativity, most of them are not worth the absorbency of the paper…

Here are a few starting points. If you want to write and never run out of ideas build your own armoury of these weapons/tools. They don’t all work all the time – that’s why you need to build up the armoury, Here are some that work for me.

De Bono
Any of his books are a good starting point. Look out for list making ideas using plus, minus, Interesting as your headings.

What if?
The most powerful tool on the planet. What if George Bush was held hostage by Girl Scouts? Just ask yourself What if? (Doesn’t’ always work for me if I do it consciously).

Stepping into the shower
Esoteric but it works for me often (see below for Commanding…) Driving is good as well.

Commanding the Unconscious
Also known as ‘going for a walk’ The idea is you think around what you want to write about and then dismiss it all to the unconscious and get on with your life or go for a walk. The idea will pop into the conscious unexpectedly. Works often for me.

Music
I have various Play Lists for writing to. Currently I’m listening to a list I’ve called ‘Writer’s Dream’ It’s music with energy and a slight lickinglust ie From Gossip Standing in the Way of Control, through Green Day mashed by Dean Grey’s Boulevard of Broken Dreams,’ to Okkervil River’s Life is not a Movie or Maybe.’

The 95%er – Numbered List
How many ideas do you want? Three, four, seven? How about twenty-five? Fifty? Well do you want to be a creative or not?
Get some paper.
Get a pen.
Write the numbers 1 – 25.
Write your first idea next to 1 and continue.

Did I hear you squeak?

Yes you can do it.

Why?

Because you’re a creative. What’s going to happen?
Well Ideas 1- 3 will be the ones you’ve had at the front of your mind.
Ideas 4 – 10 are often a struggle but worth pushing through.
10 – 15 will be silly, unusable, push on…
Between 15 and 25 the magic will start to appear (and quite often complete Nobby-sense. Not every time, but the more you do it, the more confident you become. It’s fun, it’s magic, it’s why you write. The 5% of the time it doesn’t work for me I use the rest of my armoury.

The best bit?
The more you do it the less often you have to fall back on the armoury as you’ll start to programme yourself to have the idea you want when you want it.

CWiW: [LIGHTING A CIGARETTE]
Where’s me paper...

- END –

TUNE IN NEXT TIME
For Lists, Bill Hicks Lives on, and Gordon Brown stops saying ‘Darling!’


Random Band Mix
Green Day v An Electropop Combo’
Green Hot Day Chip

Comedy Writing Cats

Works under consideration: 17
Dark Angels written about: 1
Films to write: 0 (finished Red Planet 10 pages and synopsis)
Cats of the Apocalypse: 3
Widgets to create: #109 Comedy Writing Hover – funny yet clean


EXT/DAY
A BRANCH OF A CEDAR TREE STIRRING GENTLY IN THE BALMY WIND. THE THREE CATS OF THE APOCALYPSE SHEIK, FANG, AND SCAR DOZE

SHEIK:
Scar?

SCAR:
Yes?

SHEIK:
We are the Three Cats of the Apocalypse are we not? Yet the humans had Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse?

SCAR:
We don’t do pestilence.

SHEIK:
O.’.

FANG:
We do comedy.

- END –

Join The Dot
I did. I’ve written 10 pages of a screenplay called ‘Join The Dot’ and a so-so synopsis for the Red Planet Screenplay competition. I’m very pleased to have done an outline, written up 10 characters and been able to write something that I found funny in 5 days. Am I a comedy writer?

Other Work
I’ve sent off sketches and pitches to a couple of production companies. Hence 17 works under consideration.

World Domination
I hope to get my master plan underway. Although I think I need a mad scientist for help with the video and audio, and of course the planned new sites. I’ll push on this week with writing the master plan, creating a specification for the new web site and finally getting down to recording ‘rich content.’

EXIT JIMKIN

ENTER PROFESSOR FIN

PROFESSOR FIN:
Hello? Hellooooo! Hello!

- END -

Join The Dot

Works under consideration: 3
Dark Angels wrestled: 1
Films to write: 1
Life is too short: for worry and Twigletts

Writing a Film Screenplay
I’ve written two short films. The first was a silly promotional one for my friends in the band ‘Head’ (have a look at the link on the right of the page). It involved 70s style flashbacks, a man who thought he was a cat, and the band being chased by a spelling mistake. Typical eh? Wrote the script and didn’t spell check. So the band ends up being chased by a mattress and not the ‘Matrix.’ The other film ‘iCounter’ was the simple tale of ‘boy meets iPod, iPod meets girl, they sing, find love, giant lizards, and the United States invading the UK for our oil.

Join The Dot
Is the working title for a film to enter in the Red Planet Screenwriting Competition. All I know so far is: two narrators, love, a Physical Theatre workshop, dialogue like flint hitting flint, a great bed scene, Powell & Pressburger pleasure in the spirit of people, laughs, several plots colliding, false climax. Boy wants girl, girl is hard to please, girl wants boy, boy changes mind…and that’s it at the moment.

Deadline is 1st September…

S/FX “BOOMHHHHHISSSSS!”

(That was the airbag going off in my head, again)

Dialogue examples
“An episode of the Simpsons came looking for you earlier.”
“All I need now is a snowboarding chick in a Tequila soaked thong.”

And

MAN HOLDS OUT ONE HAND IN FRONT OF HIMSELF

MAN:
This is me.

MAN HOLD OUT OTHER HAND AND LOOKS AT IT

MAN: (cont.)
This is ‘I don’t give a fuck.’

MAN LOOKS FROM ONE HAND TO THE OTHER AND THEN LOOKS THE WOMAN IN THE EYE

MAN: (cont.)
Now join the dot.

- END -

So lots of ideas buzzing around my head. A deadline. O’ and my master plan to promote my writing with short films, winning competitions, cunning weaving myself into the Internet, and generally projecting my worth as ‘Comedy Writer in Waiting’ is…er…well…progressing.

And it's been the ruin of many a poor boy
And God I know I'm one
- The House of the Rising Sun