Comedy Writer in Waiting

Abandon Blog!

2011-01-09T17:27:00.000Z

I started this blog to show off myself as a comedy writer and to share what I know about writing comedy.

I learned a lot about running a blot and writing. I also had a lot of fun exchanging comments about comedy, helping others start to write and indulge in some surreal madness.

I've put all I have learned into a new comedy web site www.bitcomedy.co.uk

Please visit and let me know what you think.

If you like short comedy using Twitter then you might like Taliban Twitter.

If you're looking for comedy sketches then try 'Can I come in?'(Psst! It's about a sperm knocking on your door)

If you're looking for advice on comedy writing try this post on writing comedy characters.

See all my comedy writing here.

All the best and thank you for visiting comedy writer in waiting.

TooT!

Jim

Sooty and Weep - Comedy Writing Engines

2009-02-21T11:44:00.006Z

Prince Charles hands himself into the British Association of Comedy Writers.

I meant “Paki and weep.”

A short homage to the glory of Windsor:-

SCENE 1
INT/DAY
THE HOUSE OF WINDSOR

PRINCE CHARLES:
Now Harry. No more using the word ‘Paki.’

PRINCE HARRY:
What about Coon?

PRINCE CHARLES:
Coon is fine. Just don’t film yourself saying it.

VOICE:
Umama ingane!

PRINCE CHARLES:
Holy fuck son what’s that?

PRINCE HARRY:
That’s one of my Zulus.

PRINCE CHARLES:
I’ve told you before you have to put them back into the wild.

PRINCE HARRY:
But Dad I’ve only got one Impi left.

PRINCE CHARLES:
I’m fed up with you recreating Rorke’s Drift every evening, you’re bedroom is a complete tip. For god’s sake this is the nineteenth century.

- END -

COMEDY WRITING ENGINES
What do you mean the comedy engine?

The comedy writing engine is what drives the comedy, the idea, in whatever writing discipline. At it’s simplest , in the piece above it was Prince Charles , or PC calling a friend ‘Sooty.’

It’s funny living in the past…

For longer work it underpins the whole piece. A sitcom or a play may have more than one engine, it may have a different engine for each scene.

A fun way to come up with an engine is to think of: X versus Y.

A WORK IN PROGRESS
The Tiger T’s

Currently I’m working on some short films or ‘blips’ as I call them to promote a commercial Web site and also to use as a comedy writing calling card, and because it’s fun.

So I have two Tiger hand puppets that will be filmed in scenes of no longer than one minute. O’ and they live in bra (Tiger T’s?).

Kevin and Leftie as I’ve christened them need some character, a physical difference and a RANGE of engines that I can use, play with, and develop.

Here are the engines I first come up with:-

Leftie v Kevin
Left v Right
Sensible Tiger Good Time Tiger
Neurotic v Carefree
Homebody v Outgoing Extrovert
Intellect v Appetite
Logic v Creative

Now I imagine ten scenes to work on One of the first I come up with is going on a date. How would each react to being ‘fondled?’

Kevin is the right ‘Good Time Tiger. Leftie is the sensible Tiger.

When Kevin has his head rubbed he will rub back and:-

KEVIN:
Purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Leftie on being fondled:-

LEFTIE:
I was looking for a more cerebral approach.

The engine is Left v Right brain. This contrast, two opposites, in the same bra, will motivate, ie be the engine, for all the comedy.

Tune in Next Time for…
How I develop the Tiger T’s.
Prince Charles finally joins Amnesty International and seeks asylum in the last century.
The credit crunch gets nasty when, due to an administrative error, the UK’s last credit card is confiscated.

Random Band Mix
The Clash v Smokey Robinson
‘Rock The Clown’

Water-boarding made easy...Now that's Comedy Writing

2009-01-15T21:14:00.009Z

Did we go too far? George! George!

BIG THANK YOU AND MY 'SERVICE'

A big thank you to Gary for sending his stand up ideas for me to laugh at and marvel, yes MARVEL! What was I marvelling? The wondrous bad taste, the use of a sodastream and the possibilities of getting synchronized swimming into the Winter Olympics - "Now over to the Olympic Stadium for synchronized Swimming...under ice."

I've been away working on the master plan to take over the internet using words, string, and a false trail of buttered MEPs.

Also a big thank you to Mike D Millar for asking my opinion on his writing (it's good by the way. Check him out).

An erm.. and a thank you to the nice comment on my entry (is entry the right word) to '...Shitegeist.' Stevie from the TV

And a thank you to Russell for his patience. I still have to read his latest sitcom episode ( I need to make time, crumpets, and space for myself and an extra large cat).

Normal Service has been RESUMED.

Random Mix
Green Day v Cliff Richard
Bullet in the Bible Basher

Employment Prospects for Mr Jonathan Ross and Mr Russell Brand*

2008-11-01T11:22:00.005Z

What would you say to a nice job on Radio 2?

Works under consideration: 1
Current Dominant Thought: Twitter Sit Coms
Ideas in my head: 19.17

Actors…calling all Actors…ACTORS!
I’m in desperate need of some performers to put on my ‘Live Sit Com’ and can I find any? Can I bugger. I’ve looked all over the hills, dales, and ponds of Hertfordshire and found not one. I’ve contacted all the local theatre companies and not one bite.

Plan Bz0.12
I’ll have to join Shooting People and look at Talent Circle and I may end up paying them….ARSEBISCUITS!

S/FX: A SLIPPERY AND SIZZLING SOUND LIKE A LARGE TONGUE BEING DRAGGED OVER A FRESHLY WASHED LINOLEUM FLOOR

CWiW:
Hello?

JONATHAN ROSS:
I think I can help.

CWiW:
How can you help me? Have you got a performance company down your trousers?

JONATHAN ROSS:
Funny you should…

CWiW:
I said company. Anyway I need someone to entertain a suicide bomber.

JONATHAN ROSS:
I’m your man.

CWiW:
He’s over there in the blog next door. Put this dress on, start skipping, and whatever you do mention that you are a decadent dandy with no fear of beard-wearing murdering bigots.

S/FX BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

CWiW:
There goes the Internet. Still, leaves some space for the rest of us friendly types.

- END -

Random Mix
The Beach Boys v Bob Marley & The Wailers
‘God Only Knows Jamming’

*Jobs for Mr Russell Brand
1. Pipe Cleaner
2. Hare at a Greyhound Track
3. A stole to keep Gordon Brown’s neck warm

Sitcom Writing Workshop - The 'Shitegeist'

2008-10-12T16:12:00.002Z

Seven Words You SHOULD Say on Television

Works under consideration: 1
Current Dominant Thought: Comedy Writing Thrills
Ideas in my head: 9.17

Sitcom Writing Workshops - The ‘Shitegeist’*

Had a fab time yesterday with a bunch of sitcom writers at a workshop organized by Ever1sacritic . A big thank you to Simon and Declan especially for making it all happen and creating such a supportive and fun atmosphere. And another big SHOUTING thank you to all the other writers that made the whole day such a pleasure and a ‘Hoot.’

THINGS LEARNED
- Comedy writing is hard work.
- A writer’s work is never done
- Reading your work to others is ‘scary’
- Cock’ is, well, everywhere…
- Avoid multi-story orphanages
- Swearing is fun
- Talking to other writers is liberating and is now part of the ‘Shitegeist.’

I need to take my piece ‘Hitting Things’ and workshop it with some actors and work with them to get the most out of the physical business. I didn’t realize that the work was so visual and one of the best things about the day was not having to EXPLAIN what it would look like.

MULTI-STAGE-WRITING-THING
I wrote “Hitting Things’ especially for Every1sacritc and it has only had one draft so far and nine hours work. When I come to a 1st draft I’ve already infested a lot of time in mapping what will happen. I start with an idea and break down the action into chunks and just what happens on one side of an index card. On the other side I write my ideas and mark up the visual element, s/fx, what the characters are doing and general ideas that may or may not work, and more besides….

Then I write a beat or ‘step’ sheet where every action is written out a line at a time.

The beat sheet is the map for writing the 1st draft**

If I was writing a longer piece I would use a giant piece of paper and write up all the different elements that go into creating a piece, everything from music, to the group dynamic for that scene. I picked this up at an Arvon course on Physical Theatre and I read recently that John Cleese and Connie Booth did the same thing to work out the plots of Fawlty Towers , only using the back of a roll of wallpaper…

Swearing is Fun
George Carlin captured almost our entire vocabulary of the day. Enjoy the clip and here’s a previous blog entry where I imagine Quentin Tarantino woes Jane Austen Quentin Tarantino woes Jane Austen but I’ve used some cunning word substitution…

Tune in Next Time…
Tools for developing comedy characters.

Random Mix
Green Day v Cornershop
‘Brimful of American Idiots’

*©Gary Lynch

**I must write the process up (mind you it changes every time I write)

Subject: Secret Policeman’s Ball Congratulations

2008-10-04T10:11:00.004Z

Excuse me Sir, were you expecting a bastard?

Works under consideration: 0
Current Dominant Thought: Comedy Writing Dreams
Ideas: 9.1

Subject: Secret Policeman’s Ball Congratulations

It’s a struggle. Writing comedy is lonely and you never know if you’ve done a good job until you show it to someone and they laugh.

I had a big thrill this week. I entered a sketch writing competition for the Secret Policeman’s Ball. Write a pitch in 140 characters. Here’s my entry:-

Celebrity water-boarding with Jonathan Ross starts well with David Cameron & a glass of water but ends badly with Sarah Palin gargling the Star-Spangled Banner.

And I received this email:-

From: Russell Barnes
Subject: Secret Policeman’s Ball Congratulations
Date Received: 30 September 10:01 am

Good morning and congratulations!

Your entry for the Secret Policeman's Ball sketch competition was highly commended by the Ball Writer's Group, which means you've won a DVD of this year's ball - hurrah!

Unfortunately for one reason or another these won't be available until after Christmas, however if you could send me your address we'll send them out as soon as we get them in the office. I'm sorry for the delay, but well done for being funny.

take care

Russell Barnes
Entertainment Editor
Channel 4 Television

So I feel good…I feel fine.

Next week I’m off to a workshop with every1sacritic and have a reading of my sitcom script ‘Hitting Things.’

The fight goes on…

Where’s The Comedy – Train of Fun/Train of Hurt?

Last time I wrote about working with actors. I’m so looking forward to doing my own workshops. Here’s the second exercise I would use to gaugue the strength and the nature of the performer.

EXERCISE 2
Walking and looking.

I learned this exercise at the Desmond Jones School of Mime and Physical Theatre.

Two performers. Stand at opposite ends of a space. On a prompt they walk past each other and take up position where the other stood. They look each other in the eye and…

That’s it. They stand and look at each other. Everyone else in the group watches them. And you wait and you can wait a long time for something to happen.

No acting is involved, no routines, no hiding behind some ‘shtick,’ nope. There’s nothing but the performers and the space, o’ and the audience.

It’s a killer, it’s love, it’s all those open wounds, it’s raw, it’s scary and it’s electric because of the simplicity. Man v man usually becomes a battle of wills. Women v women – I’ve seen this turn into a stalking and on one occasion I did it with a woman and all I felt was warm love – like sunshine on my bare back.

Try it. Don’t let anyone ‘ACT!’ It’s different every time, it’s always fascinating, and often electric.

Variations: try putting another person into the space and see what happens. Indeed you can add performer after performer – if you want an idea of how the dynamic will work.

A word of warning: Be very aware that you can hurt some one who is at a vulnerable time in their life and you should be ready to offer support and comfort. I’ve seen a lot of tears and seemingly strong people crumble to the another’s force.

If you want to know anymore drop me a line jim [at] dreamdrill dot com

Tune in Next Time…
How did the workshop go?
Tools for developing comedy characters.

Random Mix
The Undertones v Steven Wright
I Still Have Teenage Pony Kicks

Comedy Writing and Using Actors

2008-09-20T14:19:00.003Z

Come in...

Works under consideration: 0
Current Dominant Thought: Comedy Writing for the greater good
Ideas: 1.1

Working with actors can be fun. It can also be a complete bastard. It’s fun when they are not pursing their own believe in THEIR ability and a bastard when they try to assert their ego.

I worked with friends to put on my own theatre performance. The first time it was sublime as the two friends were talented, listened and contributed to make the piece stronger. The second time the actress walked out on me two weeks before taking a show to the Edinburgh fringe. The third time the show drifted away from me as I resigned control – various reasons…

I’m running our of opportunities and so I have to make my own. So what am I going to do…

Create my own online comedy publishing empire with a series of web sites showing my work. So I have to recruit a pool of performers (but not their egos), film it, and promote in online on video sites including the uber YouTube.

I’ve written a plan. A big plan full of BIG IDEAS and I’m going to make it work.

There are dozens of tools, improv’s etc that you can use to take a piece and make it special and one other fact…anyone can act.

So I’m going to start recruiting in the new year. I need a pool of actors to work on my material but also have the ability (and I have to like the F***ers) so I can create new stuff.

EXERCISE 1
Opening a door and introducing yourself.

The performer goes out of the room. He/she knocks, enters, says their name and leaves.

Easy isn’t it? Well it tests them as they are faced with an audience and they have to be themselves. You can build this exercise into a comedy piece very quickly. You can ‘hot spot’ them and integrate them and you can also make it into a silent clown piece. You can learn instantly what suits them as a performer and write to their strengths as you see their discomfort.

Tune in Next Time for…
For Exercise 2 – how strong is the performer.

Random Band Mix
Kaiser Chiefs v The Verve
I Predict a Lucky Man

Big Bouncing Comedy

2008-08-16T08:53:00.003Z

Alf Garnett - not to be taken internally

Works under consideration: 1
Current Dominant Thought: Woke up smelt the coffee…went back to bed
Ideas: 3.280

This post carries on with writing for the Every1sacritic competition

every1sacritic competition – Minus one day

I’ve sent off my entry, called ‘Hitting Things’ …a band has to pass a test at a call centre to earn enough money for a tour… for the every1sacritic competition (a 15min sit com to be performed live in a competition) and had an acknowledgment. I managed to write the whole thing, from planning, outline, character development, to 2,800 words in seven hours.

How did I do that? Because it’s the quickest I’ve ever written anything. I’ve spend more time on the opening line of a sketch. I cut corners, I didn’t have the foundation of all the work I usually put in but I made it. Either I’m getting good at writing or I’ve managed to overcome that writer thing that dwells on the shoulder – Captain Doubt.

CAPTAIN DOUBT:
That’s shite! You can’t write. That’s so Channel 4 bore-drivel-barrel-bottom-cack…

I did all or part of the following after generating my
list of ideas.

INDEX CARDS
Fanbloodytastic invention. Love them…come in many colours…and you can shuffle them. I’d been using them for years but not in an organised way. Then I read Robert McKee’s ‘Story.’ I only read the final chapter and he mentions using them. You write what actually happens in each scene on one side of a card, nothing more. It shows you what fits where, you can easily lay them out, discard them, chew them, spit on them but you stick to one liners of what happens on each. You can then add other lines of thought.

Character – How is the active question used in this scene?
Group Dynamic – who’s doing what to whom?
Dialogue – an odd line goes to you bung it on the appropriate scene
Visuals – What does the scene look like?
Jokes – what would work here?
Plants – what do I need to plant in this scene for it to pay off later?

Once I have a rough outline I use the back of the cards to write ideas and questions. Then I keep harvesting them, building the structure and adding texture…

I have separate cards for incidentals like character notes.

BEAT SHEET or a SCENE DOCUMENT
A beat sheet is what happens in your piece told in one liners and sticking to the facts. Just google for some examples…

A Scene Document is much the same thing but gathers all the bits and pieces including the wildest of ideas.

HITTING THINGS
I didn’t get around to the beat sheet and I spent very little time with the index cards. I went for the classic ‘everythinggggggg must pay off in the last scene…

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT
I did spent a little time on this but not as much as I would usually so they would need work but I could hear them speak. You know it’s going to be easy to write when you can hear the characters and they don’t say what you expect them to say.

DECISIONS
I may ditch the idea of writing for the Rise Film competition. Not enough time and it’s such a long shot, so is the Red Planet competition although this only needs a 10 pages and a synopsis. I think I’m going to pursue some online comedy projects and bringing together a small company of performers to workshop the ‘Hitting Things’ script with a view to putting it with the online project ideas.

If you’d like to see the finished script of ‘Hitting Things’ email me jim [at] dreamdrill.com

Tune in Next Time for…
How brief can you make written online comedy.

Random Band Mix
The Killers v Moby
Somebody Told Me GO!

Sitcom Dance

2008-08-02T12:18:00.005Z

Breakfast

Works under consideration: 0
Current Dominant Thought: Close to coffee time
Ideas: 1.279

This post carries on the writing a sitcom and how to generate ideas

COUNTDOWN TILL every1sacritic competition –12 Days, seven minutes

Ever1sacritic – THE BRIEF
15 min script
To be performed Live
Minimal set
Minimal actors

THE LIST
In the last post I mumbled and grumbled on about how to get ideas. Here’s the list I wrote this morning, well less a list, more a squalid collection of thoughts present and borrowing from the past (I’m in a hurry!)

1. Pyrate (pirate) impressions
2. A real baddie
3. Caught in a surprise tableau (I’ll explain later)
4. Characters: everyman
5. ~~Time Travelling Hotel~~
6. The Agency
7. Alf Garnett – Passion!
8. Two Active questions
9. Historical companion
10. Pretending to be an animal (cat impressions)
11. Snow White and the 7 Samuarai (it’s been done!)
12. Mad, Bad, Glad
13. Child, Animal, Machine
14. Marketing Agency
15. Call Centre
16. 3 Guys working for peanuts
17. Starting a band
18. Bitch – German
19. Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman (potential to be used at a later date)
20. “We’re going to headline the Pyramid Stage (Glastonbury)
21. Head Sets and Air Guitar
22. Dramatic irony – having to pretend to be on a call

Can you see what it is yet?

Yep it’s a Straight Lad Type Sitcom. I’m going for Brrrrrrrrrrooooooaaaaad comedy.

Situations
Are all rubbish. If you start with the premise of a ‘VERY-FUNNY-SITUATION’ the fight is lost. Nor is it the COMEDY. It’s the characters.

Do you know what ‘Being Humour’ is? It’s when you and your audience ‘KNOW’ the character and how they are going to react. Draw them instantly (Bloody difficult) we’ll save character stuff for the next post.

There’s some silly stuff: cat impressions and pyrates – but I like this stuff.
I have the setting and what they do and what they aspire to do. Three guys, different nationalities working in a call centre for peanuts want to form a band. We have some idea of props and possible visible and ironic gags.

THE KEYS
First is the passion. No one does passion in Sitcom. Not many comics do it now. Bill Hicks had it. Frankie Boyle may have it but not since ‘Till Death Does Us Part’ have we seen any anger. Perhaps I’ll bring in something contemporaty…Iraq, the ‘WAR! On terror dumdeedum.

KEY ONE
Mad Bad Glad. These are the three big emotions. You can base characters on them.

KEY TWO
Child Animal Machine. This is short hand and widely used by Sit Com writers. Think of the Sit Coms with three characters. Father Ted : Jack (Animal) Dougal (Child). Ted (Machine). Animal and child are easy and can be seen in many combinations. Machine means they have one motivation – the machine. With Ted it’s Fame and money and all the good things in life that fame brings.

KEY THREE
A real baddie. I want the actors to enjoy playing their roles. A real good baddie, one that frightens – really frightens will make the jokes more intense. I’ve chosen a German for my baddie and used one word ‘bitch.’ She’s going to be good and a very tough oppenent for the boys. And they are going to want her in the band because she’s sexy and can play guitar better than them and has a voice of warmed gravel and treacle.

Surprise Tableau
If you’re going to steal ideas steal from the best. In an episode of Black Books called ‘Grapes of Wrath’ there is a tableau “The Mad Professor creating a ‘Potion’ with his trusty deformed grunting sidekick.” It takes my breath away – comedy genius. I’m going to reuse the idea. Don’t know how yet.

Tune in Next Time for…
Building characters
Planning out what happens using a beat sheet and index cards.

Random Band Mix
The National & Likin Park Tour Washington State
‘In The End A Fake Empire’

Kicking Comedy Ideas around till they GIVE IN!

2008-07-26T11:45:00.004Z

Now all he needed was a pen and some paper

Works under consideration: 0
Current Dominant Thought: Beep…Beep…Beep…
Ideas: 0.273

This post started with the one previous if you read that one the following may make sense…

COUNTDOWN TILL Every1Sarcastic Competition – 21 Days

IDEAS
Do you want limitless ideas?
It’s easy
You may have your own way of creating them. There are hundreds of people writing about creativity, most of them are not worth the absorbency of the paper…

Here are a few starting points. If you want to write and never run out of ideas build your own armoury of these weapons/tools. They don’t all work all the time – that’s why you need to build up the armoury, Here are some that work for me.

De Bono
Any of his books are a good starting point. Look out for list making ideas using plus, minus, Interesting as your headings.

What if?
The most powerful tool on the planet. What if George Bush was held hostage by Girl Scouts? Just ask yourself What if? (Doesn’t’ always work for me if I do it consciously).

Stepping into the shower
Esoteric but it works for me often (see below for Commanding…) Driving is good as well.

Commanding the Unconscious
Also known as ‘going for a walk’ The idea is you think around what you want to write about and then dismiss it all to the unconscious and get on with your life or go for a walk. The idea will pop into the conscious unexpectedly. Works often for me.

Music
I have various Play Lists for writing to. Currently I’m listening to a list I’ve called ‘Writer’s Dream’ It’s music with energy and a slight lickinglust ie From Gossip Standing in the Way of Control, through Green Day mashed by Dean Grey’s Boulevard of Broken Dreams,’ to Okkervil River’s Life is not a Movie or Maybe.’

The 95%er – Numbered List
How many ideas do you want? Three, four, seven? How about twenty-five? Fifty? Well do you want to be a creative or not?
Get some paper.
Get a pen.
Write the numbers 1 – 25.
Write your first idea next to 1 and continue.

Did I hear you squeak?

Yes you can do it.

Why?

Because you’re a creative. What’s going to happen?
Well Ideas 1- 3 will be the ones you’ve had at the front of your mind.
Ideas 4 – 10 are often a struggle but worth pushing through.
10 – 15 will be silly, unusable, push on…
Between 15 and 25 the magic will start to appear (and quite often complete Nobby-sense. Not every time, but the more you do it, the more confident you become. It’s fun, it’s magic, it’s why you write. The 5% of the time it doesn’t work for me I use the rest of my armoury.

The best bit?
The more you do it the less often you have to fall back on the armoury as you’ll start to programme yourself to have the idea you want when you want it.

CWiW: [LIGHTING A CIGARETTE]
Where’s me paper...

- END –

TUNE IN NEXT TIME
For Lists, Bill Hicks Lives on, and Gordon Brown stops saying ‘Darling!’

Random Band Mix
Green Day v An Electropop Combo’
Green Hot Day Chip

Comedy Credit Crunch - Just Dub!

2008-07-26T11:17:00.004Z

'Once' again and always a clown

Works under consideration: 0
Current Dominant Thought: Tracking…tracking…tracking…
Ideas: 0

Back in the saddle…

eMarketing Exam finished and passed – CHECK
Health returned – CHECK
Creative Juices – CHECK
Ideas – CHECKED OUT

Back in the saddle is great but shouldn’t there be a horse underneath? Just a crazy thought from a CRAZY GUY!* **

There are three competitions I want to enter (and I have to find out about other writing opportunities) and I want to progress my having my own comedy company.

Where to start.

Own Company – PUT ON HOLD

Competition 1 Every1Sarcastic – Sit Com. Deadline: 15th August
Competition 2 Rise Film screenplay - Film. Deadline: 26th September
Competition 3 Ice and Fire Amnesty Int. - Play. Deadline: 1st August

Bright and clever writers wouldn’t hesitate. I’ll have to skip the Amnesty competition due to lack of time. I did start the process but time caught up and so it’s ann attempt at the Every1Sarcastic com.

I’m writing this from under my bed, along with one diabetic cat, some fluff, a strangely sticky tissue, and a whole lot of doubt.

CWiW thinks…

First get out from under the bed and face the brief… Second make more coffee, third blimey it’s around 15 days to write a 15 min sitcom for the stage…erm…

STARTING
Well I don’t have an idea. I could adapt something existing but that would be EASY! So I’ll get some paper and doodle…

Let’s see what happens with some writing tools I use onandoff…

- END –

TUNE IN NEXT TIME
For Kicking an idea around till it GIVES IN!

Random Band Mix
Bedouin Sound Clash v Guns N’ Roses Alumni
Bedouin Slash Sound

*I’m not crazy. You are.
** Steve Martin was once as ‘Crazy as a Clown’s Cock.’ But he joined the Hollywood Bozo club long ago. Comedy is fun not focus groups.

Stomach Theatre

2008-06-07T09:56:00.005Z

He just sat there...waiting

Works under consideration: 0
Current Dominant Thought: Far away
~~Sitcom~~ Character Ideas: 0

I’m back from holiday. Well most of me is back.

It started well. Ended in hospital with food poisoning. Three days of not-to-bad-hospital-food-well-it-keeps-you-alive.

Now I have to ponder writing a sit com and creating my own company of performers. Both are at the stage of I WILL OVERCOME!

INT/DAY
A SUNNY BLOG
S/FX A LOW RUMBLE EBBS ACROSS THE BLOG

CWiW:
Excuse me my stomach is trying to tell me something. What’s that Skippy? Sausage Pasta trapped in the lower bowel? Well me and the boys will be along in a minute with some soothing fluffy coffee and a bun.

- END-

IDEAS AND HOW TO HAVE THEM
So what shall the sit come be about? Well first the sit com is dead. Yep. Died in the UK some years back. O’ the channels keep putting them on. Star vehicles that sometimes work. But decent sitcoms that everyone talks about? Dead. Good comedy exists but in the main the top terrestrial channels are not producing enough. We have to offer more ‘integrated experiences with merchandising opportunities…’

JUST MAKE IT FUNNY
I know I try too hard and I keep trying to be REALLY CLEVER. Never works. I have to go back to basics and SAVE the comedy world. I want to work with performers again. Maybe return to do some performing myself. Just need to find the TIME! So an idea. Erm. Well. Nope don’t have one and it’s sixty-nine days to the deadline for the Every1sacritic competition. It’s a 15 minute script and will be performed live in a sit com trial format in front of an audience looking for the lowest common laugh.

No more sit com. It’s character comedy YOU FOOL! What I’d like to do is workshop ideas with performers of various character persuasions but I don’t have time with this deadline. SO it’s back to working with paper and PowerBook and running ideas up and down my brain until I get a selection to flesh out and inspire

Tune in next time
Pigs will fly, ideas will float, a stomach will take over the internetwebthing, and Gordon Brown will fall on his own smile.

Random Band Mix
The Ting Tings v The Things
The Ting Things Tings

100 Comedy George W Bushes Chest Complaints

2008-05-24T10:54:00.003Z

The Chest Complaint looked pale

Works under consideration: 0
Current Dominant Thought: My lungs are made of wood.

I’ve been away. First studying for a Internet-Thing Exam. Second because I fell foul of a serious chest complaint.

CHEST COMPLAINT:
I told you I was ill!*

I’ve just noted that I have sent out exactly 100 pieces of work for consideration since the start of 2007 and the result is exactly ‘0.’**

Still I’ve got my health, most of my hair,*** and a few good teeth for chewing on comedy producers.

CHEST COMPLAINT:
And a noxious cough! You idiot!

CWiW:
I told you I’m only going to smoke incense sticks from now on. No more tar, just a sense of harmony.

Next on the list is writing a 15 min Sit Com for a competition: Every1sacritic and resurrecting the idea of my own Comedy Company to do live stuff and film for Youtube, Comedybox etc.

Writing a Sitcom
I’ve written three sitcoms and done nothing with them. Now it’s time to get my work in front of Big Bad Comedy Producers, MAKE MILLIONS and endure the long-term-admiration-of-comedy-fans, erm.

Tune in next time
When I interrogate George W Bush using only a water-board, a Bedouin, and a picture of dead children.

Random Band Mix
The Beach Boys v Wu-Tang Clan

Their first album:
Enter The Beach Tang Clan - Hip-Hop Surfers

*A line also used on Spike Milligan’s Grave Stone
** ‘Many of Life’s failures are people who did not realise how close they were to success when they gave up.’
- Thomas Edison
*** I lied about the hair

Just Popped in...

2008-04-05T08:27:00.006Z

JimKin viewed the spotlight with suspicion

Works under consideration: 7
Current Dominant Thought: They’ll be a joke along in a minute

JIM:
It’s a mite dusty in here

A TUMBLEWEED BLOWS ACROSS THE DUSTY BLOG. A SAND GERBIL SCUTTLES THROUGH THE TORN CORNER OF THE PAGE AND INTO NEXT DOOR’S BLOG ‘BEPPE GRILLO'

JIM (CONT.):
Those were the days.

JIM SIGHS AND LOOKS AROUND THE COBWEBBED WALLS OF HIS MIGHTY BLOG. HE PICKS UP THE TORN CORNER OF AN OLD POST ‘Quentin Tarantino woes Jane Austen over a pint of Bitter’

JIM SIGHS AGAIN

JIM (CONT.):
If only I’d joined Comedy Writer’s Anonymous. I could be writing for an obscure daytime channel, the…No. No more Jim.

IN THE DARKEST CORNER OF THE BLOG AN UNGAINLY SHADOW STIRS

JIM (CONT.):
I could have been…

GRANITE (V.O.):
BELIKE! You sniveling land-loving-ARTIST!

JIM:
Is that you Granite?

GRANITE’S GIANT SHADOW LOOMS OVER THE COMEDY WRITER IN WAITING

GRANITE:
It bai’nt be a bucket of sausages on a day trip to Tate Modern. BELIKE!

JIM:
I wasn’t expecting a Pyrate.

GRANITE:
You’ve been studying too long. You going to write again?

JIM:
Yes. I’m back.

A CHORUS OF APPROVAL ECHOES AROUND THE EMPTY BLOG. MUDDY THE BLUES SINGING PENGUIN TODDLES PAST THE BLOG’S BACKDROP.

MUDDY:
Boom Boom, BoomBoom!

MEANWHILE THE THREE CATS OF THE APOCALYPSE PURR A KNOWING AND CRUEL PURR

JIM:
I’d just like to say to you, my blog, my friends, that I am back, I do have some words and ideas to spend…

SOME JAZZZOMBIES START BANGING THEIR HEADS ON THE CORNER OF A SHARP URL

JIM (CONT.):
Point taken. So I’m back. I have a lot of work to do, I don’t know what it is, I don’t know where to start. I need to make some changes around here, perhaps some curtains and a bunk bed. Perhaps some sensible and traditional comedy. Perhaps not. ARE YOU WITH ME?

ALL:
BELIKE!

JIM:
Amen.

- END -

Tune in next time...
For a new game show 'I’m a Celebrity get me an Ethiopian, a sandwich, and a self-delighting-strap-on.’

Wounded but not Forgotten

2007-12-17T19:58:00.000Z

An Apology

Why I've been away.

I'm still here but life has been catching up with me and the ambition to write every day. So I've been busy earning a living and doing the right thing by others.

I hope to resume normal service in the near future.

JimKin

Just say “Judder.”

2007-11-28T21:01:00.000Z

I look up to Tom Cruise

Works under consideration: 25
Current Dominant Thought: Am I the fifth protocol?

Nothing yet…

No. Nothing…

Can’t remember what was on my mind…

Something like writing about my favourite words like ‘Judder.’

Dialogue!

That was it I was going to write about some of my favourite lines…

Lines from movies like ‘His Girl Friday’ or ‘All About Eve.'

But then I forgot what I was going to write so here’s a short sketch staring Mrs Pug and Mrs Ash aka ‘The Mothers’ and their pet Samurai ‘Suki.’

INT/DAY
MRS PUG’S LIVING ROOM. ‘THE MOTHERS’ SIT WATCHING CELEBRITY KNICKER SNATCHER OR CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER OR CELEBRITY LABRADOR, OR CELEBRITY CELIBACY (WHERE YOU GET TO CHOOSE WHICH CELEBRITY NEVER GETS TO BREED).
THEY ARE EATING DORITOS AND RASPBERRY JAM

MRS ASH:
Is the news on?

MRS PUG:
I’ve lost the remote.

MRS ASH:
No silly it’s behind the settee.

CUT TO SUKI THE SAMURAI APPEARING FROM BEHIND THE SETTEE. HE IS IN FULL SAMURAI ARMOUR. A RED BATTLE FLAG FLIES LIMPLY FROM A POLE ON HIS BACK.

SUKI BOWS A HUMBLE BOW

MRS PUG:
Thank you dear - BBC1.

SUKI:
HAI!

SUKI PACES OVER TO THE TV IN A SAMURAI CROUCH AND SWITCHES CHANNELS

MRS ASH:
Very neat.

SUKI RESUMES HIS POSITION NEXT TO MRS PUG AND SINKS INTO A SQUAT

MRS PUG:
Sky.

SUKI RISES FROM HIS POSITION WALKS TO THE TV AND SWITCHES CHANNELS

SUKI:
HAI!

MRS PUG:
I wonder if that film’s finished?

MRS ASH:
I wonder too Celia. Now what’s the time?

SUKI:
Three Thirty two.

MRS PUG:
That’s a useful feature.

- END -

Tune in next time
For some dialogue and “I’m a Celebrity get me a laser." O' and I will revisit the word 'Judder.'

SUKI: (V.O.)
HAI!

This is not a Recording

2007-11-24T16:42:00.001Z

Click to Play

Are you really listening to a recording?

Do you sometimes think there's someone there?

CHOCOLATE SHOES FOUND IN PRADA HANDBAG

2007-11-22T20:13:00.000Z

He was a MOTHERLABRADOR

Works under consideration: 25
Current Dominant Thought: Why Dark Angels are bad for you

Ignore me
I’m writing headlines for ladies…

Here’s one for the boys

FERRET SCORES WEMBLEY WINNER – DOESN’T SPILL HIS BEER!

I like ferrets…

Channel ‘Bloody’ 4
Still not a squeak out of them and all the material I’ve entered; 15 bits of work in their competitions! The web site has been down for the last month…Grrrrr

And now in the first in the last of a series

Quentin Tarantino woes Jane Austen over a pint of Bitter

WARNING
Rude words including FUCK, FUCKER, AND MOTHERFUCKER have been replaced with the word ‘LABRADOR’ ‘LABRADOR-ER’ and ’MOTHERLABRADOR’

SCENE
INT/NIGHT
A SLEAZY BAR IN THE BACK STREETS OF LIVERPOOL

QUENTIN SIPS AT A SMALL AMONTILLADO SHERRY. JANE FINISHES HER PINT. WIPES HER MOUTH WITH A FLOPPY LACE CUFF. SHE TAKES A DRAG FROM HER SMOKE

JANE:
Quent’ wat ya godda remember is…

QUENTIN:
My dear lady of silken honey.

JANE:
Ditch the hyperbole white boy.

QUENTIN:
OK. OK. It was like the most Christmases in a row, the stars filled my dick and I was a Lion, you know one those African MotherLabradors. A mean Labrador-er’ roaring Labrador, Labrador, LABRADOR YOU, you Terrier* sucking Corgi!**

JANE:
Then what did your Mother say?

QUENTIN:
She just ran sister.

JANE TAKES HER THIRD PINT AND WINKS AT SOME DOCKERS

JANE:
So one last cigarette and then…

QUENTIN:
What have we been talking about? Yeah, no-more-liquor-stores. Besides, it ain't the giggle it usta be. Too many foreigners own liquor stores. Vietnamese, Koreans, they can't Labradorin' speak English. You tell 'em: "Empty out the register," and they don't know what it Labradorin' means. They make it too personal. We keep on, one of those gook motherLabradors' gonna make us kill 'em. What we gonna’ do now Lady?

JANE:
I Labrador you till you stop breathing.

END

My thanks to Les for the inspiration of this little piece. I’m now off to proof some stuff for my new Web site, write something silly and edit Jane Austen’s lost work ‘Mother Fucking Abbey.’

*That’s right ‘cock’
**Corgi (did you know Quentin was into Corgis?)

QUENTIN: (V.O)
You gotta catch me first Sister.

JANE: (V.O.)
It won’t be hard.

QUENTIN: (V.O.)
Then you won’t bother catching me.

S/FX: SHOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSHHHHHHH.
AS HALF A PINT OF BEER ERUPTS FROM JANE’S NOSE

S/FX: RUNNING FEET FADING INTO THE DISTANCE

The Seven Laws of Comedy Writing…Where’s my Medicine?

2007-11-18T21:38:00.000Z

It's behind you

Works under consideration: 25
Current Handicap: I am Time’s Whore

The Seven Laws of Comedy – Dave Evans
This page used to come up high in google if you typed in ‘Comedy Writing.’
It’s a great collection of tools for your armoury. Dave Evans is an Emmy Award winning writer who’s worked on shows like ‘The Cosby Show.’

1. Be able to throw away your best joke
- c.f. with William Faulkner ‘We have to kill our favourite ‘children.’

2. If YOU don’t laugh no one else will.
- This isn’t always true (I forget 98% of the stuff I write)

3. Character is 98% of Comedy
- Don’t try pinning a character together with funny quirks – meet people.

4. …and timing is the other 98%
- In drawing class they talk about the negative shapes (look it up)

5. The Power of the Step Sheet
- Read Dave’s page. It’s technique

6. Hold the jokes and make the story funny
- Is this always true?

7. Turn off your telly and keep it turned off.
- write, meet people, and people watch, then write.

I’m Adding…

8. Reincorporation
- Watch Eddie Izzard

9. Denying the main character’s intent
What is the active question ie what does the main character want? Then go about denying it…

10. Raise the Stakes
- Make the stakes something important and relevant.

And I’d add a lot more. What would you add? How much do you know and what works for you? Build your list, question it and treat it like an experiment that’s always on the go…

My Medicine
What’s in your armoury? How do you work on making your writing better and better? Me I keep a collection of material, advice, inspiration, and a diary. Yep, a dairy filled with cows (Feck’in spell checker) A diary called ‘JimKin’s Medicine’ I write about my writing, what works, what doesn’t what makes me blocked, what inspires. I write in so many different media, I have to see what works ie general comedy writing, and what is dependant on different media. I also have a bad memory. And I never approach a piece of writing in the same way. Similar but never the same.

Seven Laws is a good tool to have but don’t get hung up on ‘tools’ it worked for Dave Evans, it may not work for you. Build your own ‘Medicine’ Tool Kit’ Armoury and test it every time you write. This worked this time. Mine has daft things in like which three music tracks gave me energy. What to do when blocked eg Take a break, talk to friends about nothing in particular. I mean real friends, the ones that matter the ones you want to give to because they give you life.

Keep the diary or dairy and see what it brings you. “It’s a lot of work JimKin.” Well feck’ off then and stack some shelves…

A little talent + a lot of hard work + loathing the shallow, the vain, the pompous + enjoying the silliness all around will make you a writer. The big part of this sum is WORK. Don’t complain if you don’t make it or get the break….

Amen

Comedy Bump, Grind, and then BLAM!

2007-11-13T19:58:00.000Z

"O' It's Tai Chi! I thought you'd all gone into reverse."**

Works under consideration: 24
Current Handicap: A mouse with low batteries*

Channel 4 4Laughs Comedy Site
Have been down for ages. They haven’t judged any competition I’ve entered since 10th October, hence I have lots of outstanding material in limbo. BUGGER!!!

I WILL NOW PLAY INTERPOL VERY LOUD!

My Mate Primate Sketch
Entered on Channel 4 Web site - 10th November
A 1950's Dad goes back in time to live with a group of Neanderthals
Do you ever write something and think it’s OK but only if I had more time? I would make it the bestSuperTingleinTheLoins-vibe. Well that’s what we have here. It’s OK but what would make it sing to the heavens?

I think a workshop.

Yep If I had some performers at the bottom of the garden, you know c’chillin’ with the Pixies (not the band) Could you imagine your Begonia dealing with ‘Wave of Mutilation?’ No too right give ‘em ‘Monkey Gone to Heaven’ that’s a BLOOMER!

There’s a lot that would come out with character, chorus, and timing work. Maybe it’s just me but I miss having fun with actors.

Here’s the sketch...

SCENE 1: EXT/DAY
SET: A WOODED GLADE

STANLEY SITS AMONGST A GROUP OF NEANDERTHALS. HE HOLDS A BONE TO HIS MOUTH

CLOSE UP ON NEANDERTHAL 1. HE IS TOSSING A LARGE STONE IN THE PALM OF HIS HAND. HE TURNS AROUND AND SPRINTS. HE THROWS THE STONE.

CUT TO:
NEANDERTHAL 2 HOLDING A LENGTH OF WOOD. THE STONE HITS HIM IN THE HEAD AND HE DROPS TO THE GROUND

STANLEY: (talking into his bone)
Welcome to another day’s play at Trent Bridge. Lancashire won the toss this morning and decided to hurl hard objects.

A QUIZZICAL NEANDERTHAL ‘REGINALD’ RAISES AN EYEBROW AT STANLEY’S USE OF HIS BONE. HE LOOKS AT HIS OWN BONE

STANLEY: (cont.)
The score is ticking over nicely. So it’s Squat Nose Benaud from the ‘Speared Dog’ End bowling to Huge Shoulders Cowdrey. The wicket not taking spear point this morning, hence the dog pinned to the tree…

REGINALD: (talking into his bone)
High Noon Stanley.

STANLEY:
Yes it’s very much a Gary Cooper moment Reginald.

REGINALD:
No Stanley. It is High Noon.

REGINALD STARTS TALKING INTO HIS BONE. ANOTHER NEANDERTHAL RAISES AN EYEBROW AT THIS ACTION

STANLEY:
You’re right Reggie. The teams will be breaking for Elk and ‘a slice of what you fancy’ sadly no ‘Chocolate all the way through’ just plain berries, congealed blood, and some burnt roots.

NEANDERTHAL 2 IS NOW STANDING AND ADJUSTING AN ANTLER TIED OVER HIS GROIN.

STANLEY: (cont.)
Here comes ‘Big Nose’ throwing over the wicket. Unorthodox action, very similar to Sonny Ramadin, in his prime.

S/FX: ‘THUNK’ OF STONE AGAINST A HEAD

STANLEY: (cont.)
Nose bowls a beamer, jolly long, past Shoulder’s shoulder and hit’s Elvis ‘Loose Hips’ smack on the forehead. Elvis continues, erm (sotto voce) defecating, not breaking his stride at all.

REGINALD:
‘Loose Hips’ only stops for the full moon and bears.

STANLEY:
And sometimes not the even the bears. ‘Big Nose’ covering the wicket as ‘Shoulders’ goes for another run. He’ll have to be quick, as ‘Little Knees’ Graham retrieves the ball and throws it…

S/FX: CROWD NOISE

STANLEY: (cont.)
And he’s in…

CUT TO:
ALL THE NEANDERTHALS SCREAMING INTO THEIR RESPECTIVE BONES

STANLEY: (cont.)
Controversial decision I feel but the Umpire is always right. Where would we be if we didn’t respect him?

THE NEANDERTHAL GROUP START CHANTING AND WAVING THEIR BONES IN UNISON

STANLEY: (cont.)
That’s right. Glasgow.

- END -

Tune Next Blog
And meet The Three Cats of the Apocalypse again. They’ve been conducting workshops in 'Cat Life Skills' You know ‘HOW TO GET THE EXACT FOOD REQUESTED with a single purrrr!'

Random word: Harpy

*Today we’ll be throwing frustrating bits of kit through the square window.

**There our two more versions of this caption see HERE for 1 x risque and 1 x accurate

Random Association Pixies

2007-11-10T11:40:00.000Z

A U.N. Grant was the best he could hope for

Works under consideration: 22

Stuck in the Middle of…
a sketch called ‘My Mate Primate’ for the Channel 4 Web site in association with Baby Cow . The premise is a ‘1950’s Dad transported back in time to live in a community of Neanderthals.’ Erm. Well, of course, they’ve got to be playing cricket. And I’m stuck…

Being Funny Secrets
It’s hard work.

Perhaps one time in ten I write something off the cuff and it’s any good. Most of the time I have to ‘generate’ ideas. There are lots of variations on this but building a list of ‘Random Associations.’ I just write a list of 50 things around the subject which can be images, words, places, people, dialogue. Then I’ll build a ‘Focused’ list. This list is really things that have some energy, the possibility of going somewhere. The more you ‘generate’ the more chances you make for yourself.

Lists
It’s a way of getting your mind to make the sub-conscious connections. And it should be fun otherwise why are you writing? From the ‘Focused List’ I mull and mull, and mull, and something will kick off the piece. If it doesn’t (always set yourself a time limit – so you don’t beat yourself up and make writing harder) I go away and do something else and relax. The subconscious will work on it for you. It never fails*.

Sausages
I have to block out thoughts sometimes and I always rely on an image of over cooked sausages, so when faced with a temptation I think of a Cumberland Ring. I should really see someone about that…

That’s Me That is
Spen ‘Part Klingon Part InterWebGuruWarrior' took this picture this week for the new site. I suppose I have to face the fact that my face is a bomb ruin and should apply to the UN for a regeneration grant. I think once the building work is done I’ll plant some shrubs I can hide my nose behind.

Tune Next Blog
For the completed sketch, what to do with all those ideas, and some Pyrate-Penguin-Banditos-Ruby-MiXing…

Random word: Judder

*If it doesn't work then I go to the bottom of the garden and have a chat with the Random Pixies

...is escapling to Dyslexia

2007-11-07T20:01:00.000Z

All that clutters is gold

Works under consideration: 19
Dark Angel: Rejoined
Interruptions: Banditos
State of Mind: Atlas Does Dallas
Comedy WordMix: Peep-Show, Peep-Hole, Peep-Deep, Leap-Beep, Flip-Dip

Introduction
I’d like to introduce you to Spen. Part Guitarist, part Internet-WebGuru and part Klingon (in a nice sort of sharing way). He is helping and sharing my plan for World Domination via the WebInternetThingy and stealth marketing…Hence the picture above, which is really my desk, with my bits and bobs and will form the basis of a Web site which will bring me wealth and power or, well…a little recognition and folkychaps wishing to purchase or even commission my sillywritingviBE.

Spen took many pictures of the desk and of me. I might be brave and post my face such as it is…

S/FX: THE SOUND OF A CRICKET BALL BOUNCING ON A WELL OILED STRIP OF WILLOW.

JOSE:
Si. You woz OUT!

ALICANTE
It never touched me!

CWiW:
What are you two doing in my blog?

JOSE:
We were looking for somewhere flat to practice our off drives.

ALICANTE:
And the cover drive.

JOSE & ALICANTE:
SI!

THE BANDIDOS LAUGH AND TUG AT EACH OTHER’S MOUSTAGES

CWiW:
How many times do I have to tell you I’m not interested in cricket and the pair of you should be doing something Bandit like and not running a breakdown service in a small Buckinghamshire village!

JOSE & ALICANTE:
You bad man.

JOSE:
You have the right kind of face for film.

ALICANTE:
Si! Thirty days of Jim.

THE BANDITOS ROLL ABOUT THE BLOG. TIPPING IT SLIGHTLY TO THE LEFT AND ALMOST KNOCKING OVER A BLOG ABOUT FISHING IN MADAGASCAR

CWiW:
Are you suggesting that I am a Vampire?

JOSE:
No we’re saying you plain ugly for a good month!

ALICANTE TAKES UP GUARD. JOSE LOBS AN EASY BALL

S/FX: THWACK! CRASH.

CWiW:
Right I’m calling the Vicar.

JOSE & ALICANTE:
Please Bozz! Not the Holy Jo!

CWiW:
Yes and I’m sure he’ll bring a very deaf nun. So you could be on the Rosary all night.

THE BANDIDOS RUN SCREAMING OUT OF THE CWiW BLOG AND STRAIGHT INTO A FASHION BLOG DEDICATED TO THE LATE WORKS OF LAURA ASHLEY.

- END -

That told them.

Work in Progress
I have a lot out there and I wonder if anything will come to anything. I should find out soon from the BBC7 show. Or maybe not. Nothing from the Channel 4 4Laughs site either. All together...

We shall overcome
We shall overcome
We shall overcome some day

Chorus:
Oh deep in my heart
I do believe
We shall overcome some day

Tune Next Blog
For a picture of JimKin, the secret of being funny (just a couple of things I’ve learned), and why I say “Sausages!” to myself when I see a particular Canadian dancer.

Repetitive Anecdote Syndrome

2007-11-03T11:27:00.000Z

Heather Mills PR stunt goes horribly right

Works under consideration: 19
Dark Angel: Lost to me
Interruptions: Ruby
State of Mind: Mighty cat-herder
Comedy WordMix: Ronnie Barker Fork Handles, Ronnie Corbett comfy chair, Bark Handling Forks, Ronnie comforts Corbett chairs

Your back's against the wall
There's no one home to call
You're forgetting who you are
You can't stop crying
It's part not giving in
Part trusting your friends
You do it all again and I'm not lying
Standing in the Way of Control
- Gossip

When my back’s against the wall I eat chocolate, watch favourite movies, and listen to tunes that put some gumption back into my bones. Hence the lyrics above.

World Domination by Internet Stealth
This is my plan. I mean to do it with some cunning Web sites, video, and some startling use of SEO* but I keep ‘not finding the time.’

A DOOR OPENS IN THE BLOG
RUBY ‘A FERAL HOBBIT’ ENTERS

RUBY:
Oi! Writer! What you doing?

CWiW:
Ruby shouldn’t you be braiding your hair and chasing down conneys with your bare teeth?

RUBY:
Stop doing the distraction thing and pull your finger out! I’m sick of you not finding the time.

CWiW STARTS TYPING WITH ONE FINGER IN THE AIR

RUBY: (cont.)
Very funny. I told you. You’re not going to get anywhere mooning about ‘Dark Angels’ and writing this stuff.

CWiW: (typing so very fast)
In a moment of cunning ‘The Writer’ wrote Ruby back to Hobbiton.

RUBY:
No you don’t.

RUBY RUSHES AROUND THE BLOG TITLE AND STARTS KICKING THE CWiW IN THE SHINS

CWiW:
Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh! Stop it.

RUBY:
Promise to get on with the video and stuff then.

CWiW:
OK. OK. OK. I promise.

RUBY:
And no more Dark Angels. They don’t really exist you know. And if you haven’t made two more videos by the end of the weekend I’m coming back with a Troll and a bucket of bacon rind.

STOMP, STOMP, STOMP

RUBY LEAVES THE BLOG THROUGH THE BACK DOOR

CWiW:
She’s right you know. I should get on with the creative stuff or I’ll never dominate the InterWeb and become a successful and contented/respected/writermancomic.

- END -

BTW

Repetitive Anecdote Syndrome
You must know a suffer. I bet you do. Usually they’re a boss and they have a limited amount of social skills but boy do they have anecdotes.

Here’s a tip

On the third repetition of the anecdote make a ‘Citizen’s Arrest.’ (it’s illegal to shoot them) Take them to the local ‘cop shop’ and hand them over saying “I have arrested this person for ‘Repetitive Anecdote Syndrome’ please sentence him to repeated viewings of ‘Friends’ until his head explodes.”

Tune in next Blog
And perhaps we’ll have a video to show.
A Hobbit might be polite.
And I may have written myself a Maserati Quatroporte GT

*Search Engine Ottomans
(I may have misheard this)

RUBY: (V.O.)
I'm warning you!

How to Make a Pyrate

2007-11-01T20:15:00.000Z

Going out tonight?

Works under consideration: 17
Dark Angel: x
Pyrates: I made this one earlier
State of Mind: Weary-Sherpa
Comedy WordMix: Eddie Is, Eddie Does, Eddie usually isn’t. Eddie is hard, Eddie Izzard.

Making Your Own Pyrate
The one thing I enjoyed most about performing was devising a piece from nothing. I’ve worked with actors who knew what they are doing, who added to the material and took it to another level. I’ve also worked with friends.

NEVER work with friends.

They can have their own ideas and you’re the writer and you have to say what is what. Don’t trust them. It’s your work. They do not know the little flame that burnt it into your heart the ‘I want to make this to happen!’ It’s all MINE you hear? All Mine. Ahahahahah!

I trained in Physical Theatre
I much prefer it to the method schools. Both are valid but making a character by using your body is more powerful and more true (it also cuts out the self-indulgent pretentious twat in us all).

A Physical Theatre Exercise
If you ever get the opportunity to do mask work, make sure they know what they are doing. Most people who teach it don’t have a clue as how to use the half mask, the character mask or the neutral.

The Face
Well there are endless exercises that create characters. Here’s a very simple introduction. Have two people talk to each other face to face. Choose any topic eg ‘I woke up this morning and…’

1. They improvise a story for a minute.
2. Next Person A raises his eyebrows and they continue.
3. Ask Person A how he/she feels.
4. Person B raises their eyebrows.
5. If you have a large group of people in pairs ask them what the ‘energy’ in the room feels like.
6. Repeat the exercise with one person frowning.
7. Ask them how they feel.

It’s very simple. It teaches how much the body can dictate the emotion. These exercises build. You can use different expressions, combine them with walks, words, gestures, and masks and you have a technique that is fun, powerful, and will hold an audience. O’ and if taught correctly 90% of those who try it will feel like a performer.

But I’m a writer!

So you’re a writer sitting at your PowerBook. The world is ‘a feckin’ mess, and so is my writing!*$@£$ SNARL!!!’

Raise your eyebrows.

Take a simple writing exercise. Say what you can see out of your window. Do it for four minutes with a neutral expression. Repeat for four minutes with your eyebrows raised.

What do you feel?

Well?

Try it!

Now – How to Make a Pyrate using Physical Theatre Exercises.

First…

CRASH! BOOMBOOMSMASHCLUNK!!!

“BELIKE!”

GRANITE ENTERS THE BLOG ON A SNOWBOARD FITTED WITH SMALL KITTENS.

S/FX: Sound of a dozen kittens. Making cute mewling.

CWiW:
What the feck’ are you doing in my blog? It’s your bed time!

GRANITE:
A thousand Marmosets of pardon M’ LORD! I be on my way back from the Doctor and Tonic.

GRANITE: (cont. I’m afraid)
BEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLCCCCCCCCCCCCCH!

CWiW:
I’m trying to make a Py…

GRANITE:
A Pyrate you say! We’ll need some strong trousers, a boat, a lashing, a black spot, a black cat, a black pearl, a black hat…

CWIW: (sotto voce)
There’s a pattern here.(looking at the bottom of his precious blog) I smell smoke.

GRANITE:
A black witches tit. A black fan, a pink LADY!

CWiW:
Pink?

GRANITE:
And a black pudding!

CWiW:
To make a Pyrate?

GRANITE:
NAY! That’s my h’peny lunch!

CWiW:
I was just writing about how to make a character with Physical Theatre exercises. Is that smoke?

GRANITE:
Tis nothing Captain.

CWiW:
That is smoke.

SMOKE GATHERS AROUND THE BOTTOM CORNER OF THE BLOG

GRANITE:
Tis a trifle. I brought a fire home.

CWiW:
Most people bring a bit to eat.

CAPTAIN NICE: (V.O.B.)*
Granite Friends is on.

GRANITE PICKS UP HIS KITTENS BITES BACK A MANLY HAIRY/ANGRY PYRATE TEAR

GRANITE:
BASTARD nancy pop preppy Yankee Looooons!

GRANITE EXITS WITH ONE KITTEN ON HIS SHOULDER AND THE OTHERS CLASPED IN HIS OUTSIZED PAW

FLAMES LICK AROUND THE EDGES OF THE CWiW BLOG

CWiW:
Abandon Blog!

- END -

Tune in later... for Dark Angels
Do you have any? Best left alone aren’t they?
AND
Blogging Lesson #316 ‘How to test your Blog's sprinklers.’
AND
Keeping Corporate Zombies as Pets

* Voice Off Blog

Lost in the Mists of Hertfordshire

2007-10-27T12:25:00.001Z

William* had lost the bet and would be Tibetan till half time

Works under consideration: 17
Dark Angel: Looking for a white one
Pyrates: They’re everywhere
State of Mind: Puppy-joy
Comedy WordMix: Eric is Idle, John took the Cheese, Terry the Grill, Chaps for Graham, Jones the Palindrome.

Lost in the Mists of Hertfordshire
I live on a small island in Hertfordshire called Welwyn Garden City known locally as Welwyn Garden City . The place is often shrouded in mist as the hot air of London merges with the Blue Mountains in the south of the county. Recently a hush has descended around WGC, the wandering violin bands of gypsies are strangely absent, squirrels fret in the tree tops, and tumbleweed blows down Parkway.

The migrating JazzZombies are back!

Yep those black-polar-neck-I’m COOLER-than-Steve-Jobs, Gauloises smoking finger clickers are making their way south for the winter. The hills of Hertfordshire are ringing with ‘Coooooool’ and ‘Niccccccce’ tunes. I have locked myself in the cellar with a barrel of Zinfandel, a large cake, an Internet connection, some crisps, a small nun, and the complete works of Margaret Thatcher (they’ll never break through those).

Works in Progress
‘Not a Recording.’
I’ve uploaded on the Channel4 site. I’ve spent all morning cutting it down from 3.36 to 3.00. It’s still not the way I’d like it. Lacks passion I feel. But I have to get work out there and I need to practice, practice, practice... After it’s moderated I’ll post a link. I really loath the sound of my voice. What about you?

Cut, cut, cut, and then cut again
I always forget this. Pure lazy I suppose. When you write you know it makes sense but you love those words don’t you? You bless them. You repeat them to yourself and the ‘Angel in your Head’ lulls you with “This is treasure, you are the chosen one.” What a lot of danglies. I cut thirty-six seconds from ‘Not a Recording’ and I don’t miss them…

Monty Python
If you were allowed only one sketch to take to your cellar? Which one would you take?
Me? Yep Dead Parrot. I don't know why but I had a Python attack recently, where everything in the world moved two inches to the left. Does that ever happen to you?

Tune in Later for…
Will I and the nun get on? Will we fill each other with love or loathing? Where do JazzZombies migrate? Is it Berkhamstead? Perhaps Munich? Could it be Chalfont St Peterr? Only this blog carries a ‘JazzZombie’ warning signal. “Watch the skies!’

* Prince Philip looked on fondly

Worry Work, NFF

2007-10-24T19:09:00.001Z

Tre counted to five

Works under consideration: 14
Dark Angel: To be forgotten
Pyrates: Check under your table
State of Mind: Sniffle-snuffle Hound
Comedy WordMix: Static Brown, Gordon Alive, Alive but concerned for house prices, how do I look, you look like you’re alive.

Worry
I rewrote ‘This is not a Recording.’ Liked it. Now I’ve recorded and it doesn’t make me laugh enough. Interesting idea but not well executed. Bill Cosby had a stamp for scripts for The Cosby Show. The stamp printed the letters NFF. You can work it out right?

That’s what I want to stamp on this and move on.

But I won’t.

Why?

Because I’m a stubborn Scot, (my Mum used to say) and giving up is dull…

Worry Like a Bone
If you can’t put your finger on a 'why', then put that ‘why?’ to the back of your mind and bring it out and gnaw on it for a while and then put it away.

Some things I can immediately say don’t work

1. No energy in the voice.
2. Too many ‘clipped words.’

What works

1. When it gets angry.
2. When the ‘odd sounding words’ pop up eg ‘puddle.’

Erm…
I’m over analyzing again. BUGGER!

So I’ll try be a performer again and put some energy into the recording and I’ll pick out the words I like and play on that frustration of trying to get anything done over the phone. KISS

THUMP, SQUEAK, THUMP, RATTLE, RATTLE, THUMP

Hang on a moment.

I’ll be back in a sec…

CWiW EXITS THE BLOG AND PADS ACROSS THE WHITE OAK FLOOR INTO THE LOUNGE

S/FX: PAD, PAD, PAD, PAD,

CWiW RETURNS

I’m back.

Woody - the Pyrate with peg legs, peg hands, and a peg nose - was trying to make off with my favourite mouse.

Such DEVILRY!

Woody is looking for a position as a drummer? I suspect he’d be pretty good if suspended above his kit, like a wooden spider, counting to four and then using his nose for the DEVIL'S TRIANGLE. BELIKE!

Tune into the next blog
If you want to.
If you really want to.
Not if you have to.
Not if it really matters

WOODY: (V.O.)
Aye Lass they call me Tre Grohl Cool, Woody for short.

S/FX: GENTLE TAPPING ON WARM FLESH

CWiW: (shouting)
Oi! Gibson!

S/FX: THUMP, PAD, THUMP, PAD, THUMP PAD

WOODY RETURNS TO THE BLOG

WOODY:
Aye Compadre?

CWiW:
You forgot one of you legs.

WOODY:
Mucho Thanky!

EXIT WOODY

CWiW: (sotto voce)
I hope he doesn’t use that line…

WOODY: (V.O.)
Do you want to see my impression of a forest?

Ruby, Ruby, Ruby...

2007-10-21T19:36:00.001Z

JimKin's Escape

Today is Ruby day.
I write comedy scripts, TV, short film, radio, live, physical theatre pieces, stand up, and I blog. I write poetry in extremes of emotions. When I’m very negative, haven’t had to do that for years and when I’m in love, true deep, overwhelming love.

I don’t think I can write prose but I did try it for a very deep and personal reason. I wrote most of the fourth book for The Lord of The Rings. Called the Ring of Loss it contained me. Yep I wrote myself into Middle Earth, a place full of the wonders of that world but with a few additions like ‘fluffy coffee'= Latte, a mute girl called Nine, an insufferable boorish hunter called Mermann, a dwarf warrior called Ori Firebeard, a Ranger called Looker, and Radagast, a hopeless and forgetful Wizard, a pony called Scone, and of course I had to have Christmas at Bag End.

I was my own hero ‘The Writer.’ I faced fearsome Wargs, temptation from a lady shape-shifter called ’Scar’ and a visitation from ‘The Dark Angel’ a woman so beautiful you could taste her with your eyes.

And of course I had to have a heroine. My heroine was a lady Hobbit called ‘Ruby.’

Here’s an extract

Chapter 11 – Mermann The Hunter

Mermann gets the drop on myself and Ruby.

…A man, I'll give him the benefit of the doubt, as my instant impression was of a lummox in tweed, too much food and time on his hands, and not enough time for others, lumbered into view and he held a loaded cross-bow...

But due to my GENIUS and Ruby’s gumption we get the drop on him…

Mermann was now within smelling distance, mostly sausage an onions I'd say.

I turned the Nine’s sweet face to the brute...

"Look closer."

"Ruby could you help Mr Mermann with his bow."

Ruby didn't miss a beat and held out her hands.

Mermann placed the loaded bow in Ruby's open hands...

"In your own time Ruby."

"What?" Said the idiot.

Ruby raised her eyebrows in pleasure and kicked him straight in the goolies.

He went down faster than a sack of spuds in a famine.

I then attempt to recreate a William Tell type feat of marksmanship but I don’t have an apple.

"Now I was going to tell you a story about a hero from a place called Europe. He shot an Apple from the head of his son to show his marksmanship . An extraordinary feat, you'll agree."

"Yes!" He whimpered."

"But I don't seem to have an Apple."

"Ruby - The Raisin!"

Ruby made a polite curtsey, took the raisin from my hand and approached Mermann. I lit a cigarette. Always at my best with a fag on the go...

Ruby made great ceremony of placing the shriveled fruit on the top of his brown haired dome. I took a drag and pondered my options.

Nine had come closer to see the outcome. She held the pony's reins. The pony was still on edge and was pawing the ground. Ruby returned to my side...

Mermann tried some charm.

"You must be a fantastic shot to attempt such a feat. A man of much experience?"

"No."

"Never shot one of these before."

"Shall we get on?" I said.

I bent down and whispered to Ruby.

"I'll shoot wide and then we take the girl and the pony and make our way to Hamble. The rest of the Company will make their way there, I'm sure...

"Could you string him along a bit more?"

"For you? Of course."

Woman can be sooooo hard.

"Mermann. I think this is rather easy."

"Just turn side on and I'll try and hit the raisin at an angle..."

Mermann turned side on. He had no choice.

I took a few more paces back, just to make it look dramatic...

"Now head up a little."
I adjusted my stance and continued enjoying my cigarette. I took in the scene. Mermann shaking and almost drooling with fear. Ruby relaxed and enjoying herself. 'Nine' rather pensive but transfixed and the pony trying to lick its wound.

I finished my cigarette and pulled the bow to my shoulder.

"Ready Mermann?"

He nodded and the raisin fell off...

"Idiot!" Ruby exclaimed as marched over and replaced the shrunken fruit.

I pulled the bow into my shoulder again and squeezed the trigger and aimed wide to Mermann's right. Just as I put final pressure on the trigger the pony reared up, clipping 'Nine's' shoulder, she stumbled into Ruby. As Ruby went down she reached out to steady herself, grabbed my hand, pulled me down...and...

"ARRRRRRRRRRAAAAHHHHH!"

The Tweed Fool screamed in agony. The bolt from the bow had entered both his buttocks and pinned him to the stump, so tightly he was forced onto his tip toes.
There he tottered, unable to put his feat down, with a big bolt through his bum, in silent agony as the pain spread through his body...

The raisin still on his head.

Later the rest of the party return…

"You know Ruby we should take that bolt out. Must be very painful."

"You're right!"

'Do you think they'll bring some food back with them?"

"Maybe." I replied. "Could do with a Latte."

'Nine' had stopped kicking and was content just to glare at Mermann.

I walked forward and started to tug at the bolt.

"Ruby can you give me a hand?"

Well Mermann just wouldn't stop screaming. It took as a good minute to work the bolt out. He started to bleed quite heavily.

"You should never take a weapon out of a wound without cauterizing it immediately."
Radagast, Ori, and Looker had returned.

"O' sorry." I started putting the bolt back. Mermann fainted.

"Give it to me." I gave the bolt to Radagast. He mumbled a minor incantation and the end glowed red hot...

Mermann started to come out of his faint...

Radagast bent down and sealed the wound.

'Hsssssssss!

The smell of burning buttock and singed Tweed filled the air.

- END -

I got to Chapter 16 and I stopped. There’s a lot more to tell one day.

Ruby will live on…

Passion and Chips

2007-10-20T11:35:00.000Z

A fiver the Blue Nun bottles it

Works under consideration: 14 (been busy)
Dark Angel: I’m wearing boots
Pyrates: They be nearby
Nominations: 1
State of Mind: Drowsy Clown,
Comedy WordMix: Lapping-Hicks, Banana-booted Connolly, Bob Hope ski-nose, and Phil Jupitus with a pipe

Channel 4Laughs Competitions
I’ve entered some more competitions including the caption contest on Channel 4 4Laughs Web site. And sent some sketches to Ten in Bed Theatre’s 'Comedy Toboggan' sketch thingy. Am I feeling confident? Nope. I’ve entered so many competitions and have had only a couple of so-so successes including a TV credit.

Now a rousing chorus of ‘We Shall Overcome!’

World Domination of the Comedy Web
A little bit of progress today with some short viral video. Hope to have these somewhere on the sunny side of the interweb in the next few days.

Blue Cat Man
If you want to read a real ‘Gawd he makes money out of it’ comedy writer have a look at James Henry’s blog as he has a long and funny entry about rewrites.

Passion
If you don’t have passion – don’t write. It really is that simple. You have to love what you do. Do you love what you do? Then STOP IT! I love comedy. I love making people laugh. But I had the ‘Editor’ in my head this morning. You know the one “You’re useless, you can’t write, why don’t you forget the whole writing thing!’ The bastard! I kept going through the hangover and came up with a few captions for the Channel 4 competition What kept me going? Passion to find the line, the laugh.*

The Editor
There are many ways of dealing with this BASTARD! One that I used a lot is to write him/her/Russell Brand out is to give myself 10 minutes writing all the negative things about myself and what I write. Really deep loathing of self and how useless I was. It gets it out of your system. You have to acknowledge ‘The Editor’ but never give over control. Look at your passion and why you write. Revisit your passions, the why you write.

The other ‘writing tool’ to try is called ‘My Sweetheart’ in which you give yourself 10 minutes to write all the positive about yourself and your writing. If this doesn’t work go and relax and just keep a small part of your mind ‘worrying’ the project.

Chips
Or fries, as they say in foreign parts, also work.

THE PYRATES ENTER THE BLOG. ALL THREE ARE WEARING BIG YELLOW ROSETTES

GRANITE:
Vote! Vote! Vote for Captain Nice!

WOODY:
You know it makes sense.

CAPTAIN NICE:
All you good, good people…

CWiW:
Wait a moment!

PYRATES ALL:
AYE! BELIKE!

CWiW:
What the hell are you doing now?

WOODY:
The Captain is standing for leadership of the Liberal Democratic Slavery and Minor Debauchery Party.

GRANITE:
GO CAP’!

CWiW:
Give me strength. Look you’re Pyrates aren’t you?

PYRATES ALL:
AYE!

CWiW:
You should be out flouting rules, boarding ships, looting, and generally misbehaving and not organizing yourself into a collective of dogma. You are free spirits, Free-booting-kick-ass-say-no-to-Sunday-Supplements-and-LifeStyle-Awards-Pyrates! BELIKE!

PYRATES ALL:
BELIKE!

CAPTAIN NICE:
O’

GRANITE AND WOODY LOOK SHEEPISH. THEY LOOK DOWN AT THEIR FEET

CAPTAIN NICE:
I haven’t thought this through. Men! Now is the time to embrace our destiny! Now is the time to, er, DO SOME DEVILRY!

ALL:
BELIKE! DEVILRY! AYE!

THE PYRATES EXIT ‘APACE’ ROSETTES FLUTTER TO THE FLOOR OF THE BLOG

CWiW:

CAPTAIN NICE: (V.O.)
You’ve run out of words again.

CWiW:
Bugger! Not again. Did you look behind the fridge?

CAPTAIN NICE: (V.O.)
There they are!

CAPTAIN NICE RETURNS TO THE BLOG

CWiW:
Thank you. I’ll have those ones.

COMEDY WRITER IN WAITING CAREFULLY SELECTS THE WORDS HE NEEDS. HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

CWiW: (cont.)
Captain Nice exits.

EXIT CAPTAIN NICE

- END -

Tune into the next blog
For some ‘moving pictures’ a fish supper, and we’ll visit the secret place where the Banditos roam.

*Help! I’m being soooooo serious!

Baa Baa Zombie Sheep

2007-10-15T19:55:00.001Z

Plug and Play Philosphy

Works under consideration: 4
Dark Angel: Down and out
Pyrates: Belike!
Nominations: 1
State of Mind: Bed-dancing-Sunday-morning
Comedy Writing WordMix: grave-Milligan Fry-trousers, Oscar-wallpaper, and of course Eddie-cat

INT/DAY
A HOTEL DINNING ROOM. THE WEST OF SCOTLAND

WAITRESS:
Good Morning!

ALL:
Morning!

WAITRESS:
Just to let you know we’re out of porridge*.

ALL:
O’.

EVERYONE SITS AT THE TABLE.

CWiW:
Has Goldie Locks been staying? I mean noooo porridge. I’m writing to Sean Connery and demand an apology.

ALL:
That’s enough JimKin.

- END –

The Great Trek
Seven hours, Count them. Seven whole mind-bum-numbing-hours in a car to the west of Scotland. But I did get to stay in a book shop.

What?

Yep. My reaction was ‘Well OK. But do I get to sleep in the Interior Design section? Or the erotica but please not in the Philosophy Section. We’ll be up all night arguing about things we don’t need to understand.’ Sleeping with Nitezche.

I know nothing about the chap. But ‘By The Power of Google’ Here’s a quote:

‘All sciences are now under the obligation to prepare the ground for the future task of the philosopher, which is to solve the problem of value, to determine the true hierarchy of values.’

Well call me a dullard. Call me ignorant. Call me Shirley, Call me blind. Call me on the line /Call me call me any anytime/ Call me my love you can call me any day or night/ Call me**

And tell me he’s an arse. Have you seen the size of the man’s moustache? Like an agoraphobic sheep looking for shelter under a very small cliff. I don’t even understand the quote. Let me have a think…

NOPE. Still don’t get it.

Thinking hard.

O’ I get it.

I lied. I just have this powerful need to rip the facial hair from his face and send him out to work.

Now for Zombie Sheep...

Thank you to Danni ‘The Woof-Woof Lady’ for lending me the Zombie Survival Guide. Which includes the gem ‘Blades don’t need reloading.’ I was going to spin off into a whole treasure chest of ideas about Zombie sheep but some Kiwi’s have released a film concerning this matter ‘Black Sheep.’ So I’ll move on to my colony of JazzZomibes who live in my garden. Who even as you read are tapping at my window demanding fresh Rum and Coke, soft shoes, and some doilies.

Tune into the next blog
Taste the power of the sea! Meet several Pyrates, track down Sharon (a really beautiful and clever fish) and I hope touch ‘The Three Cats of the Apocalypse.’

*In an Australian accent
** Yep Blondie.

WOODY: (V.O.)
Sharon! My little sliver of Moonlight!

The Award Awards

2007-10-11T21:06:00.000Z

Well met by moonlight, for a fish

Works under consideration: 4
Dark Angel: Tearing
Pyrates: Erm?
Banditos: Erm?
Penguins: Erm?
Nominations: 1
State of Mind: Cigarettes, coffee, red wine NOW!
Comedy Writing WordMix: Glug, satin, Bavarian tea, sloppy Jo American Mall dreams – random - HipHopHa!

The Nomination
A big clappy to Agent ‘G’ for the nomination for the ‘Blogger Choice Award‘ Best Humor Blog. Bloody Americans can’t spell. Can ‘U?’

Of course I wear my blog lightly and I have a lot of key-strokes to thank for this honour.

Do you want to help? I will of course put no emotional pressure on you to vote for my humble random tapings, but my grey haired old Mum and my ailing kitten will be very grateful.

Pop Along…
To the Blogger Choice site register (it takes a nano-moment-nothing,-but-joy-you-will-feel) and vote for this surreal prison I’ve been sentenced to…

‘I thank you.’

Comedy Writing Gods
Gene Perret.
I’ve mentioned him before and I’ll mention him again because after years of waiting I’ve tracked down a copy of ‘Comedy Writing Workbook.’ I have another of his books from which gems were given. There are two ways to learn about comedy. One is write it. O’ there isn’t a two. Well if no one is giving you the opportunity get this book.. Good American (BTW I found it on Amazon Market Place).

Top 25
I’ve done lots of Gene’s exercises and always learned from them and the first ‘Workout’ of this book is to find your favourite 25 gags. Well I like gags but what I really like is absurd story stuff. So when I come (again) to do this exercise Eddie Izzard will be right at the top and I’m only going to choose one ‘riff’’ – Pavlov’s Cats (Ring bell, dogs, food, salivating, remember?).

‘Cake or death?’*

Well it’s the performance you see and you can see it here >>>

But it can be summed up with like this:

DAY 1
Rang bell - cats answered the door.

DAY 2
Rang bell - cats said they had eaten earlier.

DAY 3
Cats stole the battery.

DAY 4
Cat rang the bell, I ate the food.

Watch it. It's only 2 mins...

The Awards Awards Ceremony
A ceremony for giving out the best Awards for Awards including slipping out of your dress at an inopportune moment, tear-duct surgery, masked self-effacement, I’m pissed and I don’t care, I’ll thank everyone even though I did it all my self, tripping on the step and passing it off as high emotions. And of course Best Performance by Hair Below the Knee, Blinking in Moonlight Supporting Role, Best use of a No Talent Fecker' at a Charity Comedy Event and of course The British Film Academy's Award Fellowship Award for not Dying and for…

FLISH-FLICK, FLISH-FLICK, FLISH-FLICK, FLISH-FLICK,

Excuse me a moment. Just read amongst yourselves. I hear a strange noi…

FLISH-FLICK, FLISH-FLICK,

There it is again.

What an…

GRANITE: (V.O.)
BELIKE!

CWiW:
Bugger. There’re back!

CAPTAIN NICE: (V.O.)
Avast JimKin!

CWiW:
I thought I’d got rid of you. Where’ve you been?

THE PYRATES: CAPTAIN NICE, GRANITE, AND WOODY SWING THROUGH THE OPEN DINNING ROOM WINDOW AND SLIDE ACROSS THE WHITE OAK FLOOR. THEY COME TO AN ABSURD CARTOON HALT AT HIS FEET. THEY PICK THEMSELVES UP

GRANITE:
We be back from Kanada! We fought Turk Barbers, sold the soles of our boots, and raided many a Subway for 12 INCHERS!

WOODY: (Hiccupping)
Belike!

CAPTAIN NICE:
Canada is spelt with a ‘C’ Granite.

GRANITE:
A thousand-fawning-pardons!

CAPTAIN NICE:
We have treasure!

WOODY:
Sharon!

ALL:
Shut up about that bloody fish!

CAPTAIN NICE:
See!

CAPTAIN NICE THROWS DOWN A SACK AND OUT SPILLS ASSORTED FLORAL TUPPERWARE

CWiW:
Get the feck’ out of my blog.

CAPTAIN NICE:
But, but, but…

WOODY:
Sharon! Moonlight on your fins!

GRANITE:
It be TREASURE!

CAPTAIN NICE:
Quite right. It is treasure.

CWiW
It’s very fine Tupperware, which although tasteful IS NOT IN SHORT SUPPLY

WOODY SHAKEN OUT OF HIS DRINK INDUCED FISH LOVE MADNESS HOPS ON ONE PEG LEG INTO THE CWiW LOUNGE

CAPTAIN NICE:
Are you sure?

CWiW:
Look you’re late nineteenth century Pyrates blasted into the present day…

CAPTAIN NICE & GRANITE:
There was a great…

CWiW:
Storm. Yes I know. Treasure is gold, gems, Jade. Doubloons...

WOODY:(V.O.)
And Love.

CWiW:
Yes Woody. Love is real treasure.

CAPTAIN NICE:
Well it was an honest mistake. What do you suggest we do with it?

CWiW:
Erm. How about a picnic.

PYRATES ALL:
A PICNIC! Hurrah! Hurrah! Thrice HURRAH!

THE PYRATES EXIT THE CWiW RESIDENCE WITH THE HELP OF SOME ROPES AND A SMALL MONKEY

- END -

Tune into the next blog
I award myself an award for not having an award AWARD. This will be presented by Princess Anne astride the Scottish Rugby Union Pack – “Pounde!”
Several cats will be sent out to spy on their owners and Jeffery Archer will choke on his own magnificence. And the pyrates tell the story of when they attended the Pyrate of the Year Award sponsored by 'Belike Paving.'

* Courtesy of Mr Izzard

This is not a recording

2007-10-09T19:37:00.000Z

1934 couldn't leave a message

Works under consideration: 4
Dark Angel: Faded
Pyrates: x
Banditos: x
Penguins: ?
First Thought this morning: ‘I like pillows.’
State of Mind: Viking Mother
Comedy Writing WordMix: Bob The Builder – Yes Darling – tax – jelly – reap clowns – 300 marketing girls = something floating.

299
Things to do. None of them involving ruling the world via the InterWebthingoogle. Here’s something I’ve written for a competition on Channel 4. It’s for a sound file. Now if I can get garageband to sound like I’m on the phone I’ll be posting it dear blog scanner.

I seem to have a fixation with phones. Well I used to work online., on the phone lines for a tech support company. I thought I’d died and gone, well died. Just died. Still one more chorus of ‘We shall overcome.’ And lets get on with the…

This is not a recording

S/FX: PHONE DIALLING

VOICE:
Welcome to [INTERFERENCE] Online. Please have your customer number ready. Please have your credit card, PIN and password ready. Please have your name ready.

WILL:
Come on. Come on. Come on.

VOICE:
If you wish to make a payment press ONE now. If you wish to talk to technical support press TWO. If you wish to right the wrongs of a totalitarian state press THREE and talk to AMNESTY INTERNATIONAL. Press Hash at any time.

WILL:
What’s the hash sign?

VOICE:
O Man.

WILL:
What?

VOICE:
This is a recording. Press hash at any time. Press NINE to hear the last message again.

S/FX: BEEP

VOICE: (cont.)
Press Hash at any time.

S/FX: BEEP

VOICE:
Not that one.

WILL:
Excuse me.

VOICE:
Press your self…for amusement.

S/FX: BEEP

VOICE: (cont.)
I hadn’t finished. Press NINE to hear that again in an accent of your choice, press, no smoke, the hash sign AT ANY TIME, press one for a composite Irish accent, two for Glasgowegian Alsatian, press three for Geordie, hang on a minute, PET three for Geordie, press five for Dutch.

A BEAT

VOICE: (cont.)
Yes.

WILL:
You missed four.

VOICE:
Press Four to hear the HASH sign. Press The red button now for subtitles. Touch the green screen NOW

S/FX: BEEP

VOICE: (cont.)
You have selected…five for Dutch.
Press ONE, YES THAT’S RIGHT FOR HASH, PRESS TWO AND EIGHT, NOW. ENTER YOUR FOUR DIGIT PIN, YOUR MOTHER’S MAIDEN NAME AND METHOD OF BIRTH. ENTER YOUR MOBILE NUMBER SUBSTITUTING ANY TWO DIGITS WITH THE WORD PUDDLE.

WILL:
Just a minute. I know you’re a person…I…

VOICE:
This is a recording. Press on to switch on your toaster. Press Off to switch the lights off. Press WICK for flights to Scotland. Press-up for exercise, PRESS release for publicity, press gang, for the boys in the hood, press HASH at any time. Press box for the time of your life, press Tosser for Russell Brand, Press Print to complain about your phone call, press on regardless. This is recording. PRESS your local MP for an honest answer. Press Stephen Fry for a good time. Press Stephen Hawking for the meaning of Germans.

WILL:
It’s not a recording.

VOICE:
Yes it is!

WILL:
If this is a recording how did you know how to reply in a rational manner.

A BEAT

VOICE:
I guessed.

S/FX: PHONE HANGING UP FOLLOWED BY ONE LONG TONE

VOICE: (singing)
Press ‘O’ if you would like this recording mimed.

F/FX: ONE LONG TONE FADES OUT

- END -

Tune into the next blog
‘Mr Anonymous’ is taking shape. But not ready for this world. I’ll say something Scottish (I’m in the far north at the weekend – for a Christmas party, welcome to my world).

That was great I got to write without a Penguin, a Bandido, or any Pyrates wandering through my blog or dinning-room.

See you later.

It’s been emotional

MUDDY: (V.O.)
“BOOM-BOOM, BOOM-BOOM, BOOM-BOOM, BOOM-BOOM”

TREVOR:
Shhhhhh!

MUDDY:
He’s not here man.

TREVOR:
He might come back.

MUDDY:
Man let’s play some tunes, chill, and smoke.

TREVOR:
I’m a Rockhopper Penguin wearing a cardigan. I DO NOT CHILL!

MUDDY:
Man you need to meditate, or surf, or both.

TREVOR:
Can we get on? I’ve a blog to visit.

MUDDY:
Cool man. Where we going?

TREVOR:
I think we’ll try Ken Levine.

MUDDY:
Has he got fish?

"THHWAP!" - [THE SOUND OF A SMALL FLIPPER HITTING A LARGE EMPEROR PENGUIN BELLY]

300… Marketing Girls

2007-10-06T10:14:00.000Z

I use mine for shopping

Works under consideration: 4
Dark Angel: Sympathy with the dentist
Pyrates: ???
First Thought this morning: ‘I’ve missed Saturday’
State of Mind: Viking Presbyterian
Comedy Writing WordMix: Green Wing – Funnel Web – Curious – Puddle – Britney – Mrs Tony Blair – 42” General Election.

300
Yes I watched it for the fact that the Spartans were mostly played by Scotsmen. Great graphically but hokey in the acting-more-macho-than-Matt-‘sugar-boy’-Damon-we’re-not-Fascist-no-not-a-bit.

If you were stuck in the Gates of Fire who would you choose to be on your right shoulder? That’s right choose marketing girls. They will be armed with lots of spreadsheets, just the right amount of electrical gadgets, be wearing something ‘pretty-floral.’ And of course they were “…just going to say that.” They’ll tell you the response rate of every ‘Immortal’ with an arrow in his chest and suggest a follow up campaign involving fold out shields, and a beautifully written letter with all the features of having your head chopped off by a large, abs-obsessed Hoplite with anger management issues. So AngelA what is the ‘Call to Action? “Erm, my text book says the most responsive one at this point in our time is ‘Visit a surgeon.”
“Too late AngelA because They’re feck’in dead.”

Don’t choose marketing – choose life.*

“BOOM-BOOM, BOOM-BOOM, BOOM-BOOM, BOOM-BOOM”

Where was I? O’ yes Marketing Girls, well.

“BOOM-BOOM, BOOM-BOOM, BOOM-BOOM, BOOM-BOOM”

Could you just re-read the last bit while I sort out this Boom-Boom business?

CWiW:
TREVOR!

TREVOR APPEARS FROM BEHIND A BOOK CASE. HIS FLIPPERS ARE SLIGHTLY DUSTY AND A FISH TAIL POKES OUT OF THE SIDE OF HIS BEAK. HE WADDLES TO THE COMEDY WRITER IN WAITING DESK

TREVOR: (coughing slightly)
Yes ‘Comedy Writer in Waiting?

CWiW:
Could you take Muddy outside so he can entertain the neighbours with his ‘John Lee Hooker’ impression?

TREVOR:
Muddy! Muddy!

MUDDY:
BOOM-BOOM, BOOM-BOOM, BOOM-BOOM, BOOM-BOOM

TREVOR AND MUDDY WADDLE OUT THE BACK DOOR SCATTERING A BUNCH OF JAZZZOMBIES WHO HAVE BEEN GATHERED IN THE SHADE COMPARING ‘CLARINETS’

I never get any peace around here. I just want to write something about my lack of progress with my master plan to take over the InterWebThing and a Blues Singing Penguin and his ‘oppo’ start kicking up a fuss. Well ‘flipper-ing up a fuss.

Just a moment.

CWiW: (Shouting out the Window)
Stay away from the trampoline!

Sorry about that. I don’t want a penguin coming through the window, covering me in shards of glass and fish scales, and most of all I don’t want another verse of ‘Boogie Chillin.’

I seem to be writing a blog and not getting on with writing my Internet Character Blips. The idea is to film these for my upcoming Web sites and other video type sites. I have the ideas, I also have a competition to enter, and I’m not finding the time!!! Triple !!! with dingly-dangly-knobs-a’poppin!!!

I have this character 'Mr Anonymous’ which I’m hopping to develop and…

THREE NEATLY DRESSED PYRATES ENTER THE COMEDY WRITER IN WAITING BLOG FROM LEFT TO RIGHT

CWiW:
Look I’ve told you lot before! Not when I’M WRITING!

CAPTAIN NICE:
A pardon good sir but we have no food. Our vittles have run out and Woody is suffering from several termites. One appears to be boring in his peg nose.

CWiW:
I’m busy!

GRANITE STARTS PICKING CRUMBS FROM HIS BEARD

CWiW: (cont.)
Don’t you dare!

GRANITE MUTTERS SOMETHING AND STARTS TO TOY WITH THE RABBIT ON HIS SHOULDER

CWiW: (cont.)
And why have you got a rabbit on your shoulder?

GRANITE:
The Parrot is in Vienna on tour.

CWiW:
I’ve told you before…why has your rabbit only got one ear?

WOODY:
SHARON!

CAPTAIN NICE:
Shhhh!

GRANITE:
He’s a fighting rabbit, very rare aren’t you Goliath?

CWiW:
Look I’m busy. Why don’t you try one of the other blogs on the right of this one and see if they’ve got any ‘vittels!’ Try that one - James Henry and his Blue cat. He must have something… or there’s that one ‘Where the Walls are Soft’ Very good…

WOODY:
SHARON!

CWiW:
Will you shut up about that fish!

CAPTAIN NICE:
But he loved her.

CWIW:
Look pop over to ‘Where the Walls are Soft’aka Les aka ‘The Right-Hand-Sycophant.’ I hear there’s some cat chow on offer.

GRANITE:
BELIKE LIKE ME!

CAPTAIN NICE:
Very well. We shall return when your temper is more even. Come on Sharon. I mean Woody.

THE PYRATES HEAD NORTH FROM THE CWiW BLOG. SNIFFING THE AIR AND LOOKING QUITE HAPPY. WOODY SCRATCHES HIS PEG NOSE WITH HIS PEG HANDS.

GRANITE:
Aye Golaith Cat chow. We’re in luck…

GOLAITH:
YumYum!

WOODY:
SHARON!

- END -

I’m going to get a coffee and then write something of note…

Tune into the next blog
And maybe hear from ‘Mr Anonymous’ get around to the FireJuice, dance with a pretty lady and find time to write about the InterWebworldDominationThing.

MUDDY: (V.O.)
BOOM-BOOM, BOOM-BOOM, BOOM-BOOM, BOOM-BOOM!

“ARRRRHHHHHHHHH!”

CWiW: (looking into the back garden)
Feck! How am I going to explain to the gardening team a JazzZombie flattened by an Blues Singing Emperor Penguin…again. Bugger.

*Yep I’m in marketing.

My Motorcycle Tastes Blue

2007-10-03T19:51:00.000Z

Turn Left

Works under consideration: 4 (Well I’m always writing a blog)
Dark Angel: Distant
Pyrates: ?
First Thought this morning: ‘The Madness of Crowds’
State of Mind: Hardworking Viking
Comedy Writing WordMix: Harry Enfield, a chin, a slice of ham, a large bap, lunch for the comedy gods. A meal for the rest of us.

My Motorcycle Tastes Blue
Or does it taste of wine gums?

‘Synaesthesia - from the Greek words syn (joining) and aisthesis (sensation) - affects one in 2,000 people. The artist Wassily Kandinsky was said to have had it, and David Hockney. But perhaps the most famous synaesthete is author Vladimir Nabokov, who described it as having "coloured hearing.’

I like the green of that.

Just love the idea. I did write a Physical Theatre type show once where the characters, on mimed motorbikes end up waiting at some traffic lights.

WILL:
Red, red, red, red, wait for it…Amber, ready, ready, ready. Green GO! Blue.

WENDY:
What’s the blue for?

WILL:
Chill.

- END -

Blue traffic lights. You know you get so wound up in traffic and you are encouraged to take a moment to release. A big spliff-like sigh of ‘Hey! It doesn’t matter. All is coooooooool.’ Why don’t you lobby your MP? What would you get with a purple one?

The Madness of Crowds
I was reading (on my course The CIM ‘eMarketing Award’ marketing and stuff) about the great .com bubble bursts of the 90s. In The Netherlands during the 17th Century they had‘ Tulip Mania!’ or as it was known popularly known ‘tulipomania.’ (I dare you to slip that into a conversation tomorrow).

“A thousand Florins for a Tulip!”

People exchanged houses for a simple bulb.

"See that flower bed? That’s my pension, “Ja.”…

CAMERA PANS:
OVER ‘THE ‘COMEDY WRITER IN WAITING’ BLOG
THREE PYRATES APPEAR. THEY ARE RUNNING RIGHT TO LEFT. THEIR MUDDY FEET LEAVING DULL MARKS AMONGST THE ASCENDERS AND LIGATURES OF THE SERIF FONT.

CWiW:
Just a minute!

CAPTAIN NICE:
O’ Hello. Must be going have a…aeroplane to board.

CWiW:
Could you walk around the headings please.

GRANITE:
Shall I thong him Captain? Shall I shell him like a ripe CRAB!

WOODY HICCUPS

CAPTAIN NICE:
Very good of you Granite but we have not the time nor the…erm…time…to

WOODY COLLAPSES TO THE BOTTOM OF THE BLOG

GRANITE:
Compardre!

WOODY (gasping).
I aren’t going to make it my Mammoth-like-friend. Be…like!

GRANITE & CAPTAIN NICE:
BELIKE!

WOODY:
Here is my poem of death.

‘I wondered lonely as a Weasel…

CWiW:
Would you like a drink?

WOODY:
That would be nice.

GRANITE:
AYE! TWICE AYE! YA’ Bastard!

CAPTAIN NICE:
A sweet sherry.

CWiW:
If you could just step off the screen and make your way to the kitchen.

PYRATES ALL:
BELIKE!

- END -

Tune into the next blog
Where I get to drink ‘FireJuice’ from the smuggling fiends of Bournemouth, dance with a pretty lady, and write something beginning with ‘Z.’

GRANITE: (V.O.)
FECK’IN CHARDONNAY!

CWiW: (Shouting over his shoulder)
Well it is oaked.

GRANITE
Mmmmm!

The Peter Serafinowicz Show - Invaded

2007-09-29T10:23:00.000Z

I fancy mine much

Works under consideration: 4 (have to up my work rate)
Dark Angel: Dwelling in my soul
Pyrates: 1
First Thought this morning: ‘What if I googled my name and I wasn’t there?’
State of Mind: Angel and Sinner
Comedy Writing WordMix: Phil ‘Sergeant Bilko’ Silvers made my life worthwhile gagssharpwonderlaughlongandloud

Watch more Comedy
I write comedy and I don’t like watching it.
But I do. I watch QI and Mock The Week but I find it very hard to watch anything new. I have to. But I can’t. This weekend I’m going to…

Shhhhh…

Did you hear something? I thought I heard something. I hope it’s not those Pyrates again.

I have a new DVD, The 50th Anniversary of ‘The Phil Silver Show.' I love that man and that show. And I’m finally going to get down to some real character comedy watching ‘The Smoking Room.’ Because I’ve been busy writing silly surreal things I’ve lost sight of that element, where the real laughs are ie in The Character.

And I’m going to watch 'The Peter Serafinowicz Show…'

CAPTAIN BLOOD:
Good morning.

COMEDY WRITER IN WAITING:
Just a minute. I’m blogging.

CAPTAIN BLOOD:
But of course my good fellow!

Everything is interrupted! I just want to write about comedy and bloody Pyrates invade my blog.

CAPTAIN BLOOD:
Well I would hardly call it invasion.

COMEDY WRITER IN WAITING:
Do you mind?

CAPTAIN BLOOD:
Sorry sir!

Where was I? Yes at my desk, interrupted, wondering if I’ll every get to dominate, take over and rule the comedy world via InterWebThing. So I’ll be watching 'The Peter Serafinowicz Show' next week. Could be inspiring. I remember him from 'Black Books' where he did a great turn as Hywel Grranger, man with the world’s silkiest voice (well he is a voice over artist, I suppose that was the joke, duh!).
Characters and how to invade them. I mean how to make them.

One thing I’ve found about writing characters is that you can give them the wrong name. Now I tend not to give them a name till I’m happy with them. Strange. Also of great value is ‘Hot Spotting’ them. Something which is used in improv’ workshops all the time. I take some questionnaires and I interview the character I have in mind eg ‘What are you doing at the weekend?’ Take twenty questions and ask your character. If you don’t get the right answers then bin him/her and move on…

CAPTAIN BLOOD:
I say.

COMEDY WRITER IN WAITING:
Yes?

CAPTAIN BLOOD:
Are those your JazzZombies tapping their instruments on the French Windows?

COMEDY WRITER IN WAITING: (shouting out the window)
MOVE ALONG! Yes you! Take that double bass, the Gitannes, the floppy hair and bugger off to Brighton!

CAPTAIN BLOOD:
I was wondering if you could help me find the crew of ‘The Blind Bully Butcher?’

COMEDY WRITER IN WAITING:
Sorry. Don’t have a clue.

CAPTAIN BLOOD:
You may know the Captain? Captain Nice. And his scurvy time wasters Granite and Woody, he who has peg legs, peg hands, and a peg nose.

COMEDY WRITER IN WAITING:
Sorry doesn’t ring any bells.

CAPTAIN BLOOD:
I see.

CAPTAIN BLOOD DRAWS A LONG, HONED CUTLASS

COMEDY WRITER IN WAITING:
There over there.

CAPTAIN BLOOD:
You better not be lying to me writer. I’ll hang you by your pen fingers and thrash you back to your teens…

COMEDY WRITER IN WAITING:
If you look to the right of that portal, just over to the left of the Interweb, you’ll see them settling down before invading that TV show.

CAPTAIN BLOOD:
What’s it called?

COMEDY WRITER IN WAITING:
I believe it’s a BBC Web site. ‘Thursday’s are Funny’– ‘The Peter Serafinowicz Show.’ Thursdays are funny. Well they are aren’t they? I mean it’s 'Thur,' that’s a very funny name for a day. I’d like to number them. You know can’t wait till sixday. What are you doing on sevenday? I could…

CAPTAIN BLOOD:
I’ve got their ship clamped and they owe me seventy-two days of fines. That’s a lot of gold writer. They’ll pay. If your lying to me I’ll be back with hot pokers FOR YOUR STERN and cigarette ends for your coffee…!

COMEDY WRITER IN WAITING GULPS, RAISES AN EYEBROW AND LOOKS INNOCENT.

CAPTAIN BLOOD:
FOLLOW ME MEN! CHARGE!!!

A MOTLEY CREW OF CUTTHROATS FOLLOW CAPTAIN BLOOD ACROSS THE BLOG. MOST OF THEM DON’T WIPE THEIR FEET

- END -

If I was you I wouldn’t write anymore pyrates…

Tune in to the next blog
When the crew of 'The Blind BullyButcher’ run right to left across the blog. Captain Blood gets a bloody nose and Woody gets poetical…

Blog Against Abuse - 27th September 2007

2007-09-27T19:06:00.001Z

Blogcatalog Stop Abuse Day
Blogcatalog has organised a 'Stop Abuse Day'. Bloggers are invited to write about abuse in its many forms. I know somethings but I only want to mention one tear.

Someone I love was abused. When I was told I felt angry and vengeful. Not practical I know. I cried a lot. I had to make some good out of this fact and I joined Amnesty International's campaign - Stop Violence Against Women

It was something.

We all contribute to the good of all. Sometimes we just need to raise our game a little. Will you raise your game today?

FIRE in the Belly - Belike Pyrates

2007-09-26T18:57:00.000Z

I started modeling for Stella McCartney when I was nine

Works under consideration: 4
Dark Angel: Now in my dreams
Pyrates: 4
First Thought this morning: ‘I’ve woken up.’
State of Mind: Remove the Elephant from the Room
Comedy Writing WordMix: Alfgarnettshouldliveagain andfight Halo 3 and The Return of The BionicWoman

Works Under Consideration
I’ve down-sized my expectations. I sent some full sketches and some ‘slug lines’ to a couple of open script calls and nothing. Well I still have my teeth, the capacity to purrr like a real cat, imagine a fight with my shadow, see the wonder in a child’s hair, speak silly words, attempt a better world full of Pyrates, Banditos, and JazzZombies, and still I fight on, till…

World Domination via the InterWebThing
Can’t tell you all the plans because I believe something I once read in a book about writing where it was stated to ‘Hold your FIRE’ until you had finished otherwise the passion gets talked out. But progress is slow due to the little bits and bobs I have to make for the videos…

A Friend
Asked me yesterday where I find my inspiration and I said it was a reaction against working in an office, imprisoned in the darks cells of a spreadsheet, and wondering what it would be like to wake up with an idea and make it happen today? And of course you have to have your belly full of FIRE…

ENTER THE PYRATES

CAPTAIN NICE:
Quick men over there…

GRANITE:
Did ye say FIRE!

CAPTAIN NICE:
We may have to rescue someone and carry them to our ship, she might be pretty and Spanish, we could live in a tropical paradise with those birds with lots of colours and hooked-beak-things…

GRANITE:
Did ye say FIRE!

CAPTAIN NICE:
Granite you’re just being repetitive. Now men we must…

WOODY:
Captain?

CAPTAIN NICE:
Yes Woody? And Granite.

GRANITE:
Aye CAPTAIN!

CAPTAIN NICE:
Put the cat down.

GRANITE:
But it be a nice pusssywussy…

CAPTAIN NICE:
Well it…

WOODY
About the ship…

CAPTAIN NICE:
I know it’s a nice pussywussy…erm…cat and IT IS a nice cat. I’ve told you before about the ‘it be’ erm…thing.

COMEDY WRITER IN WAITING:
Excuse me but I’m trying to write a blog.

GRANITE:
Shall I GUT this bottom-wind of a sealsucking Gannet-tickling landlubbing…

CAPTAIN NICE:
Alright Granite…

WOODY:
The ship Captain.

GRANITE:
I could use him for bait when we fish for the Giant Bass of Madagascar. Aye! Belike!

WOODY:
BELIKE! About the ship Captain…

COMEDY WRITER IN WAITING:
What are you doing here by the way?

GRANITE:
Enough from you nancywritingboy-ARTIST!!!

CAPTAIN NICE:
We wondered if you’d seen Captain Blood?

COMEDY WRITER IN WAITING:
Nope.

CAPTAIN NICE:
O’.

GRANITE:
Can I have him as a pet Captain?

CAPTAIN NICE:
We already have seventy-two ship cats Granite. The mice suspect something. Well if Blood’s not here…

GRANITE:
No I meant the writer. BELIKE!

CAPTAIN NICE:
Well. What would you do with a pet writer?

GRANITE:
A door stop.

CAPTAIN NICE:
Right we’re going.

CAPTAIN NICE AND GRANITE EXIT. WOODY ADJUSTS HIS PEG NOSE WITH HIS PEG HANDS AND SCRATCHES ACROSS THE WOODEN FLOOR ON HIS PEG LEGS

COMEDY WRITER IN WAITING:
Woody. I don’t remember writing that line about the ship.

WOODY:
Well ‘Comedy Writer in Waiting’ you don’t know everything.

COMEDY WRITER IN WAITING:
Bugger.

WOODY:
Clamped.

COMEDY WRITER IN WAITING:
The council clamped your ship?

WOODY:
No. It were the scurvy-dances-with-marketing-girls-Blood. And we’re completely out of gold. The Captain will no be pleased. Have to go and capture that treacherously-handsome, white teeth of a Soap Star, and the habits of a dirty badger, lickspittle CAPTAIN BLOOD! BELIKE!!!

WOODY EXITS

To be continued…

Fire in the Character
They just write themselves you know. Nothing to do with me Guv.

GRANITE: (V.O.)
BELIKE Nancy Boy!

BTW
I hate Pirates of the Caribbean with a zeal verging on the supernatural and my Pyrates would rather be seen at a Software Awards Ceremony than in the company of such a bunch of lily-livered-egg-white-eating-smooth-skinned-sterile-OK-Magazine-deal-dullfeck'ness.

“HIP-HIP!”

“BELIKE!”

And God Bless Ireland…

Stephen Fry's Garden

2007-09-22T08:57:00.000Z

Works under consideration: 17 (still 17, yes still 17, Yep 17 again)
Dark Angel: Has taken over my shadow
JazzZombies in My Garden: 87 (17, yes 17 with Saxophones)
First Thought this morning: Must see ‘The Lives of Others.’
State of Mind: Clown Warrior
Comedy Writing WordMix: i, iPhone, iEat, iPo, iBreath, iFloppy, iMarketshinythings, icreate, iDon’tneedanymoreshinythingsjustabaconroll

They Never Met No: 2.97
Stephen Fry & Gunga Din

GUNGA DIN TIP TOES INTO MR FRY’S RADIANCE

STEPHEN FRY:
I thought you were just a poem Anyway enough of this Imperial flunky harking back to a time that never existed. I say walk free, head held high, into…

GUNGA DIN:
Water Sahib?

STEPHEN FRY:
Splendid.

GUNGA DIN POURS CLEAR WATER INTO A BATTERED TIN CUP

GUNGA DIN:
Thank you Sahib.

STEPHEN FRY:
Would you have any Sherry? Amontillado perhaps?

GUNGA DIN:
Yes sir.

GUNGA DIN POURS A GLASS OF THE DARK SHERRY

STEPHEN FRY:
And some Farley’s Rusks with cold milk?

GUNGA DIN PRODUCES RUSKS IN A BOWL AND POURS COLD CREAMY MILK OVER THEM

GUNGA DIN:
Anything else Sahib?

STEPHEN FRY:
Would you mind awfully hanging around and being my body servant for the rest of your natural life? A sort of Jeeves figure to my Jeeves character?

GUNGA DIN:
A pleasure Sahib.

STEPHEN FRY:
Splendid. You’re a better manservant than I Gunga Din. Is that your real name?

GUNGA DIN:
Actually it’s Kevin but you’re paying…

- END -

Stephen Fry – MegaMan
What a talented man full of humour; something you notice about great men of humour, they have humanity by the barrel-full. He’s just started a blog which you have to scroll three miles down and is solely concerned with ‘Shiny Things.’

If I had my way…
I’d turn the whole of Europe into Stephen’s garden. Imagine that. Close your eyes and think of the United Garden of Europe, with Stephen as the Queen Mother…

As the new power in the United Garden Stephen would order that every national government moves one country to the right (it depends which way you are facing at the time). The British government would take over The Netherlands, The Netherlands would move to Germany, The German government (well, best if they stay at home, a mini-break in Bavaria perhaps?) the Italians would move to Spain etc

This would force…
The Germans would be forced to travel everywhere by caravan, to the shops, to the doctor, to their shouting coach, and to work, The French would become aware that every country has cheese, the Italians would be made to wear the clothes we wear, and yes they’d still look damned sexy, The British would attempt to maintain tea and cricket but slowly absorb the casual vibe of Holland, tea would still be taken, but in a brothel, cricket would be played CASUALLY, after a good smoke, for five VERY LONG minutes, and they would bicycle with bike helmets and precise hand signals…

That’s the thing about stereotypes
They really exist.

Though I've belted you and flayed you,
By the livin' Gawd that made you,
You're a better man than I am, Gunga Din!
- Rudyard Kipling

Stephen Fry’s Garden or Brussels – YOU DECIDE!

Why we need to return to Slavery for Kevins

2007-09-18T19:12:00.000Z

Kevin The Polar Bear wished he could spit further

Works under consideration: 17 (still 17, yes still 17)
Dark Angel: 1
JazzZombies: 87 (The bastards are still in the garden)
First Thought this morning: ‘Isn’t daylight alarming.’
State of Mind: Chocolate Fixation
Comedy Writing WordMix: Furry puddle comedy script fluffy sitcom clips

On Slavery
It’s 200 years since Slavery was abolished in the UK. I’d love to bring it back and enslave everyone called Kevin. No real reason but it struck me when seeing the ‘hair shirts’ dressed up and being repentant. You’ve seen them haven’t you? Men with beards and corduroy trousers, and crumbs in their beards, and subscriptions to magazines like Popular Mechanics ‘This Week Build Your Own Twin Engined Helicopter Skateboard’ carrying-crosses-so-I-may-share-your-pain-as-I-feel-for-you-and-wish-to-suffer-like-you-my-brother-look-at-MY-BEARD!

Josh
Josh is a backpacker and he travels the world in his own bubble. Have you met a Josh? Funny aren’t they. They travel to broaden their horizons and come back the same only with pictures to prove it.

JOSH:
I have visited every continent and many of the larger islands.

JIM:
I’ve just thought of Peter Cook.

JOSH:
I met a Peter Cook in Bali. He had feet.

JIM:
This Peter Cook was one of the funniest most alive of men. A man of Demons, talent, and wit.

JOSH:
His feet were very large. I remember seeing him walk with a native. It’s such a different way of life…

JIM:
A man came up to him at a party and…

JOSH:
He could make a kettle out of a palm leaf and milked goats for our breakfast.

JIM:
Peter Cook asked him how he was and the man said to Peter Cook…

JOSH:
Have you seen the Northern Lights? Once I was in the Outer Hebrides, A bit like that film, you know, Burt Lancashire…

JIM:
Burt Lanchester.

JOSH:
Lovely place. The red rose. Reminds me of the PushPush flower of New Guinea…

JIM:
The MAN SAID TO PETER COOK…

JOSH:
Hey Chill.

JIM:
I will not Fucking Chill! Nobody every chills. It’s calm. CALM IS THE FUCKING WORD.

JOSH:
Rekei could help you know.

JIM:
The Man said ‘I’m writing a novel.’

JOSH:
I have blogged my travels. My blog is called ‘The Road to Mandalay, ‘Travels with low carbon footprints.’

JIM:
And Peter Cook said neither am I.

JOSH:
I’ve got six-thousand-two-hundred-and-seven-pictures-on-my-iPod.

JIM:
Local Hero.

JOSH:
Pardon?

JIM:
The film with Burt Lanchester is called Local Hero.

JOSH:
O’

JIM:
Josh falls down asleep.

JOSH:
But I’m not tired.

JIM:
I wrote you now fall ASLEEP!

JOSH:
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!

- END -

Let that be a lesson to you. Write characters that you can put to sleep AT WILL!

‘Everyone is a prisoner of his own experiences. No one can eliminate prejudices— just recognize them’’
- Ed Murrow
(31st December 1955)

Muddy & Trevor - The Penguin Delusion

2007-09-15T08:59:00.000Z

This an old picture of Trevor taken on the Isle of Skye.
He was just fourteen years old.

Works under consideration: 17 (still 17)
Dark Angel Imprint: 1
Penguins: 2
Right-Hand-Sycophant: 1
State of Mind: Clown
Comedy Writing WordMix: Sitcom bubble Free Comedy Clip sucking. Beep BBC

Introducing Muddy and Trevor
Muddy is one of my favourite delusions. He and his friend Trevor are Penguins. Muddy is an Emperor Penguin and Trevor is a Rockhopper Penguin.

Muddy is a very laid back surfer type, given to singing the Blues. Trevor takes EVERYTHING Very VERY very seriously.

They started as a sketch idea and they lived for a short while with a fellow performer, Andy (RIP).

Below is what they were up to earlier today. One day I hope they’ll ride again.

EXT/DAY
THE POND IN MY LOCAL PARK
MUDDY AND TREVOR ARE SPENDING THE DAY AS LIFEGUARDS

F/X: LOUD SPLASHING

TREVOR: (Blows whistle)
I’m going to throw them out.

MUDDY:
Chill Trevor.

TREVOR:
I won’t bloody chill! Kids! And what the hell were you doing at five o’clock this morning?

MUDDY:
Tai Chi Man.

TREVOR:
I thought you’d gone into reverse.

F/X: LOUD SPLASHING AND SCREAMS ARE HEARD

MUDDY:
(Calmly) Chill!

SEVERAL EXCITED DUCKS LOOK UP AT THE LIFEGUARD PENGUINS

DUCK 1:
Quack!

- END –

Well done Muddy!

JIM:
What’s that noise?

BRRRRRRRRRRRRRMMMMMMMMMM! ROAR! THE BLOG IS SUDDENLY FULL OF PETROL ENGINE FUMES

JIM II:
That’s a motorbike Jim.

JIM:
Thank you Jim. Glad to know the English language is not wasted on you.

JIM II:
A pleasure.

JIM:
I don’t believe it!

TREVOR RIDES PAST JIM’S WINDOW ON A CLASSIC ENFIELD BULLET MOTORCYCLE AND SIDE CAR COMBINATION. MUDDY WAVES A LARGE WING.

JIM OPENS THE WINDOW

JIM: (shouting)
Where are you two off to?

MUDDY:
Beach man.

TREVOR:
Shhhhh! I’m trying to drive.

MUDDY:
Ride man. Ride.

TREVOR:
I’m in control and I choose the VERBS!

MUDDY:
BoomBoom BoomBoom Boom.

TREVOR:
Enough Blues. I WILL lose CONTROL…

JIM II:
He could lose control Jim.

JIM:
I wish he would.

- END -

‘We will not walk in fear, one of another. We will not be driven by fear into an age of unreason…’
- Ed Murrow

Happy Manic Roses

2007-09-12T19:04:00.000Z

Works under consideration: 17 (definitely 17)
Dark Angel Memory: 1
Banditos: 2
Zeitgeist: How are watersheds used?
State of Mind: Spartan

Happy Manic Roses
Juxtaposition is a great word. Just bung two or more things together to get some comedy value or combine some band names to make the ultimate 90’s group ‘Happy Manic Roses'

Rap and Surf?
How about the Beach Tang Clan?

How are watersheds used?
This is number 94 on the current google trends list. Well how would you use one? Would you try keeping your fish in it? Bathing perhaps? I think I’d use one to store my pumps.

Putin Dissolves Government
In at number 87 in the trends list. Did he? “Tired of your old Government? What to clean up those dirty rascals? Use Polonium-210.

Red Planet
Did I mention that my script for this competition bounced back? At least they opened up another email address and now the email says it’s SAFE!

Two Fun Characters
Jose and Alicante are two Mexican Bandits that I wrote in some sketches a while ago. The Juxtaposition? Well they’ve settled in Little Chalfont in Buckinghamshire to run a breakdown service and indulge in their favourite pastime, Cricket. They do have a tendency to menace and discuss leg side spin.*

INT/DAY
A SOFT FURNISHING STORE
MRS THOMAS IS ONE OF THOSE FORTHRIGHT ARROGANT CAREER WOMEN TYPES SMELLING OF CRABTREE & EVELYN SOAP AND THEIR OWN IMPORTANCE. BTW SHE'S JUST BEEN RATHER SNOBBY WITH THE NICE GIRL BEHIND THE COUNTER.

ALICANTE:
(TO MRS THOMAS) You Laura Ashley.

MRS THOMAS:
Not quite.

JOSE & ALICANTE LAUGH

JOSE:
No my little brother mean you like a Laura Ashley printed frock.

MRS THOMAS:
I don’t follow.

JOSE:
You twee.

MRS THOMAS:
How dare you.

JOSE:
It easy. Alicante - The Sunday Telegraph Magazine!

ALICANTE PRODUCES THE MAGAZINE FROM HIS TROUSERS

JOSE:
Page fifty one - The Mock pearls.

ALICANTE FLICKS THE PAGES AND HOLDS UP A PICTURE MRS THOMAS FINGERS HER PEARLS

JOSE:
Page eleven - The comfy two piece that make you look like a girl again. And you only twenty-one.

ALICANTE FLICKS THE PAGES AND HOLDS UP A PICTURE MRS THOMAS LOOKS UNCOMFORTABLE

JOSE:
And page Seventy four - The discrete erotic body stocking with stretch panels.

ALICANTE FLICKS THE PAGES AND PRESSES HIS NOSE AGAINST THE PICTURE

JOSE:
ALICANTE!

ALICANTE STOPS LICKING THE MAGAZINE

MRS THOMAS:
I have never...

JOSE & ALICANTE:
We know - Laura Ashley.

MRS THOMAS ‘STORMS’ OUT OF THE SHOWROOM

ALICANTE SLOWLY INSERTS THE SUNDAY TELEGRAPH MAGAZINE BACK INTO HIS TROUSERS

- END -

It's coming from the sorrow in the street,
the holy places where the races meet;
from the homicidal bitchin'
that goes down in every kitchen
to determine who will serve and who will eat.

*I’ve no idea what I’m talking about.

Fry & Laurie, A Hedge, and Bin Laden Meet the Spartans

2007-09-08T09:55:00.000Z

Works under consideration: 16 (maybe 17)
Dark Angel at bay: 1
Inspirations: #3 (Fry & Laurie)
Cats of the Apocalypse: 3
Zeitgeist: Computer games – carbon footprint – Iraq Bleeds – HD TV – embrace Islam – “This is Sparta!”

EXT/DAY
MY GARDEN

THE THREE CATS OF THE APOCALYPSE DOZE ON THE BRANCH OF A SWAYING CEDAR TREE. SHEIKH IS EYEING A RUBIK’S CUBE

FANG:
Isn’t a Rubik’s Cube a mite passé?

SHEIKH
I thought of some left sided brain activity for after our afternoon nap.

FANG:
Why did you paint it completely white?

SCAR OPENS ONE EYE AND VIEWS THE COMPLETELY WHITE RUBIK’S CUBE

SCAR:
Irony?

SHEIKH:
Postmodern irony.

THE THREE CATS OF THE APOCALYPSE CHUCKLE AND HISS AND REVISIT THE LAND OF NOD

- END -

I’ve just looked at the bottom of the garden and those cats are back in the Cedar tree. They appear to be laughing at some private joke…

Comedy Sketches I wished I’d written.
'The Hedge'
By Stephen Fry & Hugh Laurie

Watch this sketch and you know you have two very clever chaps, two very good humans, and two toooooooooo talented performers.

If you’ve never seen it, this isn’t the best version I’ve seen but the only one I could find on YouTube. Compare it with the Two Ronnies sketch ‘Mastermind’ and view how one small shift in perception can make life sooooo funny.

World Domination by Internet
I’m still working on this one. Does YouTube give you a clue?
More soon!

Bin Laden v Sparta
So ‘The Man with the Dyed Beard’ has turned up again? He has a great idea. Why doesn’t the whole of the United States convert to Islam? I tell you what ‘BinMan’ why don’t you and your crew of ‘let’s kill people that disagree with us’ mob convert to Spartans? You could dress up in long red cloaks and leather pants, play with basic weaponry, shouting ‘This is Medieval!” until bed time.

SHEIKH TAPS THE RUBIK’S CUBE WITH HIS FURRY PAW

SHEIKH:
Finished.

THE THREE CATS OF THE APOCALYPSE PURR LOUDLY

- END -

Enter Captain Nice, Woody, and Granite

2007-09-04T13:15:00.000Z

Works under consideration: 16 (maybe 17)
Dark Angels troubling my soul: 1
Inspirations: #2 (today it’s Bill Hicks)
Pyrates: 3
Widgets to create: #112 A coffee cup with integrated ashtray

Characters
CAPTAIN NICE – A posing pedant but jolly nice.
WOODY – Peg hands, peg legs, and a peg nose, given to drumming and poetry.
GRANITE- A VERY angry and hairy Pyrate likes to set himself and others on fire.

INT/DAY
THE COMEDY ‘WRITER IN WAITING’ BLOG

ENTER CAPTAIN NICE, WOODY. AND GRANITE
THEY ARE PYRATES CAST ADRIFT IN 2007 AND SEARCHING FOR A WAY BACK TO THE 18TH CENTURY

CAPTAIN NICE:
There’s no one here.

WOODY:
Tis’ empty Captain!

GRANITE:
Belike it be!

CAPTAIN NICE:
Belike, it is Granite. It is empty Woody! How many times do I have to tell you that your speech is outmoded.

GRANITE:
May a thousand Mermaids caress YOUR HEART!

CAPTAIN NICE:
Thank you Granite.

WOODY HAS FOUND AN EMPTY WINE BOTTLE AND STARTS TO DRUM A TUNE WITH HIS PEG HANDS. HE BUILDS UP THE RHYTHM AND USES HIS PEG NOSE ON AN EMPTY RIEDEL WINE GLASS

JIM:
What is going on here.

CAPTAIN NICE:
A hah! Mr Writer we thought we’d pop in an enquire of our future in your magnificent sitcom comedy script.

JIM:
Still nothing boys I’ll let you know when anything brews. Now would you mind. I have a blog to…

TINKLE TUMTUM TINKLE, TINKLE, TUMTIM!

CAPTAIN NICE:
Put the pegs away Woody and follow me!

CAPTAIN NICE POSES LIKE A BALLERINA WITH A GODDESS COMPLEX

WOODY:
Belike!

GRANITE:
Belike!

THE PYRATES EXIT

CAPTAIN NICE: (V.O.)
Just leave the wine bottle Woody. It is empty and NO MORE BELIKES!

JIM:
What did I ever see in them.

- END -

Works under Consideration
Well it could be 17 but I had an error email saying my entry for the Red Planet Script competition didn’t get through because the inbox was full. Bugger. I’ve mailed another address so we’ll have to see.

Blackadder Remembered
I came across Blackadder Hall the other day while writing about Blackadder II ‘Chains.’ Well worth a look if you are a Blackadder fan.

Inspiration Today
Bill Hicks. In the clip above he’s telling the world why Marketing and Advertising are evil.Because of his honesty, rawness, and power. There’s never been anyone to match him. He wasn’t a great comic performer but he held you with the raw anger. RIP.

Now I’m off to record some words, sounds, and various silliness to use in my endevours to dominate the Interweb.

GRANITE: (V.O.)
BELIKE!

JIM:
I told you to bugger off!

*BTW if you didn’t know I am in Marketing and I’ve decided to gamble with my life by smoking in my sleep

Blackadder and 'The Pyrates'

2007-09-01T11:03:00.000Z

By Richard Curtis and Ben Elton

Works under consideration: 17
Dark Angels in my head: 1
Inspirations: 1 (today it’s Edmund Blackadder)
Pyrates: 3
Widgets to create: #110 Jerry Falwell Shrek meter (measure YOUR gullibility)

Inspiration?
It’s all around.

Hitting the spot?
How do you hit the spot every time? That sweet spot where you think you’re going to die from laughter?

If you want to learn how to write think of what inspired you. Think of the writer/comedian, think of the work/riff, think of the scene/line and type it out. That’s right copy it and see how they ‘spend their words.’ Repeat with double line spacing and now take your idea/character and take them through the same scene. Repeat until it’s inside your gut (the place you should write from, read Natalie Goldberg’s ‘Writing Down The Bones.’)

Blackadder II
Hence this excerpt from Blackadder II ‘Chains.’ It’s Blackadder’s reply to Ludwig ‘the fat-headed German chamber-pot.’ It makes me laugh but also hits the spot. The spot being a well deserved target hit with accurate unrelenting withering flame.

The video is nine minutes so you may want to get it out on DVD. Here’s the speech that I copied out. Well I actually typed out the whole episode and took three of my sitcom characters through the whole plot. See below.

Blackadder has just listened to Ludwig do some very poor impersonations.

BLACKADDER:
What else have you got in your astoundingly inventive repertoire, I wonder? A brilliant drunk Glaswegian, no doubt! A hilarious black man ‘See you Jimmy’, ‘Where am dat warty melon?’ Fabulous! I can’t wait to see your side-splitting poof and your funny little croaky one who isn’t anyone in particular, but is such a scream! And most of all, I like the one you do all the time, the fat-headed German chamber-pot standing in front of me!

Ludwig’s pleasant demeanour starts to crack.

- END -

I’ve highlighted in bold the line that made me want to write comedy.

PYRATES
These characters started as a sketch when I was writing with a partner (Rest in Peace Andy) and I wrote a sitcom for them ‘The Pyrates.’ Did I mention that they live in the present day, well there was a thunder storm, a LARGE bolt of lightening, and they happened to be transported through time. Yes. It does happen.

The Main Characters
Captain Nice
Well mannered, insistent on good grammar, and given to outrageous poses

Woody
He has peg legs, peg hands, and a peg nose, given to morose poetry, well known in the squirrel community.

Granite
A very large, very angry Pyrate, given to setting himself on fire, for “FUN!”

Yep Pyrates, not Pirates, that would be sissy.

More from them some other time. Till then…

“Toot Toot! And Pip Pip HORRAY!”

Comedy Writing Cats

2007-08-30T09:52:00.000Z

Works under consideration: 17
Dark Angels written about: 1
Films to write: 0 (finished Red Planet 10 pages and synopsis)
Cats of the Apocalypse: 3
Widgets to create: #109 Comedy Writing Hover – funny yet clean

EXT/DAY
A BRANCH OF A CEDAR TREE STIRRING GENTLY IN THE BALMY WIND. THE THREE CATS OF THE APOCALYPSE SHEIK, FANG, AND SCAR DOZE

SHEIK:
Scar?

SCAR:
Yes?

SHEIK:
We are the Three Cats of the Apocalypse are we not? Yet the humans had Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse?

SCAR:
We don’t do pestilence.

SHEIK:
O.’.

FANG:
We do comedy.

- END –

Join The Dot
I did. I’ve written 10 pages of a screenplay called ‘Join The Dot’ and a so-so synopsis for the Red Planet Screenplay competition. I’m very pleased to have done an outline, written up 10 characters and been able to write something that I found funny in 5 days. Am I a comedy writer?

Other Work
I’ve sent off sketches and pitches to a couple of production companies. Hence 17 works under consideration.

World Domination
I hope to get my master plan underway. Although I think I need a mad scientist for help with the video and audio, and of course the planned new sites. I’ll push on this week with writing the master plan, creating a specification for the new web site and finally getting down to recording ‘rich content.’

EXIT JIMKIN

ENTER PROFESSOR FIN

PROFESSOR FIN:
Hello? Hellooooo! Hello!

- END -

Sheikh, Scar, and Fang – The Three Cats of the Apocalypse

2007-08-27T19:38:00.000Z

Works under consideration: 6
Dark Angels spotted close by: 1
Films to write: 1
JazzZombies in my garden: 0
(They’ve popped into Bodyshop for some Dermalogica, and body butter)
Widgets to create: #108 World domination Moisturizer and CAD package (plan new engines while caring for your hands).

So here I sit evil genius after world domination via the Internet

V.O.R:
Hold on!

JIM:
Who’s that?

VOR:
Don’t you recognize me?

THE VOICE OF REASON STEPS INTO THE BLOG

JIM:
O’ it’s you again.

JIM II:
That’s right. It’s me. ‘Voice of Reason’ aka ‘Jim II.’ The sensible part of your head.

JIM:
Go back to work, house-keeping, planning holidays, and looking at life-style magazines.

JIM II:
OK. But I’ll be back.

- END –

I thought I’d lost him at the shopping centre.

So I’m writing a film (10 pages for the Red Planet Competition,), and writing a blog for health reasons. And as an evil genius, well more of a foolish genius, up pops a 'Evil Right-Hand Sycophant' which is just what I need. Well when I say 'Evil Right-Hand Sycophant' I mean Les ‘The Broad from The North’ which is very handy.

But as an evil genius I also need some muscle and have therefore recruited ‘The Three Cats of the Apocalypse, Sheik, Scar, and Fang. At the moment they are slumbering in the giant Cedar tree and the bottom of the garden ready to be UNLEASHED!

I think they made a mistake choosing matching capes.

The furry trio of character assassins sit and purr, slumber, and purr, breath and purr. I have only to say the word and UNLEASH their side-way glances, disdainful noses, and irony. HAHA!

Well the films going well. I have an outline and several characters, no one has a name though but I do have an ending. So three days to create a work of GENIUS!

JIM II:
You’ll never do it!

JIM:
I’m going off you. CAPED CATS! DO YOUR WORK!

SHEIK YAWNS. FANG SCRATCHES HIMSELF. SCAR TURNS OVER

SCAR: (sotto voce)
You are merely human.

- END –

You own it, you better never let it go
You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow

Today, We're Looking Through The Cubic Window

2007-08-25T10:29:00.000Z

Works under consideration: 6
Dark Angels in my soul: 1
Films to write: 1
JazzZombies in my garden: 76 (they’re back from Brighton, well most of them)
Widgets to create: #107. A Hulk Hogan/Wonder Woman Widget for cleaning the bathroom, looking damned sexy and frightening away gun crime.

Currently I have six comedy sketches out there. Fingers crossed, chakras primed, lamb chop sacrificed to the god of mint, secret message written under my eyelid, a quick message to the United Nations, and not forgetting my lucky rabbit foot (I have four of them and they’re called Fang, or CV *Fang to give him his full name).

Now I’m on holiday and writing ten pages of a screen play [SEE ‘Join The Dot']. I’m happy with the idea, so today is writing an outline and then the beats. All by next Saturday then I can continue my master plan to take over google, the internet, and very important commissioning executives HAHA!

TODAY
We will be looking through the cubic window.

INT/DAY
AN EMPTY THEATRE. PABLO PICASSO STANDS IN THE MIDDLE OF AN EMPTY STAGE STARING AT THE ARCHITECTURE. ENTER A SENIOR NON COMMISSIONED OFFICER OF THE BRITISH ARMY, RSM W. JONES.

S/FX MARCHING FEET

RSM:
That man there! What are you looking at?

PICASSO:
I was looking at the patterns of light, the texture of the space, and feeling the energy of those who have gone before in this temple of performance.

RSM:
Stand up straight when I’m abusing you!

PICASSO LEANS TO ONE SIDE

RSM:
I said stand up straight you ‘orrible specimen you!

PICASSO:
If you were to lean as well.

THE RSM, TAKEN ABACK, LEANS

PICASSO: (cont.)
You will see I am straight.

THE RSM LEANS BACK TO THE PERPENDICULAR

RSM:
What’s the matter with you man? Are you an ARTIST!

PICASSO:
A humble painter.

RSM:
Why do you want to go and do something like that when you could be out their marching, fighting, and generally strutting like a GOD!

PICASSO:
Well apart from the fact that I can always have a lie in and I enjoy creating beauty, I’m world famous, very rich, and I get to shag some of the worlds most beautiful woman.

RSM:
BASTARD!

- END -

Now if you’ll excuse me I have to persuade one of my cats, ‘Agent Scar,’ that the RSPB** are bound to reject his application for membership.

* I lied Fang is in fact a lucky black cat.. HaHa!
** Royal Society for the Protection of Birds

'b' is for Band and 'S' is for 'Agent Scar'

2007-08-21T19:40:00.000Z

Works under consideration: 3
Dark Angels in my sight: 1
Films to write: 1
Talking of rubbish: Yesterday’s Newspaper

'b' is for Band
I like music. Well I like REAL music. Well I like everything except JazzZombies. I have my own band. I don’t play in it but I have carried drum equipment behind and down the length of a very long London bar. And yes I did get to say it “I’m with the band.” The following is how I imagine my band goes about it’s everyday business.

b is the bass.
Spen is the guitar hero
Dave counts to four and repeats

INT/NIGHT
B’S FLAT

SPEN:
B?

B:
Yes Spen?

SPEN:
I think this is an excellent spot for a gig but a little small.

B:
We’re not actually there yet Spen. This is my kitchen.

SPEN:
Dave is a bit quiet. YOU ALRIGHT Dave?

DAVE: (shouting)
BANG! BANG! CRASH, CRASH, BANG, BANGBANG, BANG TINKLE!

SPEN:
Don’t tell me…

B:
I’m afraid so. He’s talking in pure drum kit again. I suppose it’s only to be expected after that incident with the Harry Potter book, the Marshall amp, and the Directors Commentary of Spinal Tap.

SPEN:
And the bolt of lighting. Well at least the floor is level.

B:
How can you tell?

SPEN:
Because our drummer is dribbling from both sides of his mouth.*

- END -

More from ‘b’ and the chaps (BTW the band is called called HEAD, they are very real and I haven’t changed their names because they are guilty) another time.
I have a film to write (well ten pages and a half page synopsis) and ten days to do it in. Crikey!

'S' is for 'Agent Scar'
INT/NIGHT
JIM SLIPS INTO A SLUMBER. A CAT, ‘AGENT SCAR’ WANDERS PAST. LOOKS SUPERIOR AND WANDERS TO BED.

“ZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzz Hicc! ZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz”

JIM: (waking up)
What was that?

AGENT SCAR: (sotto voce)
You just slept through your destiny human.

SCAR PURRS A LONG PURRR OF SATISFACTION AND EXITS CAT FLAP LEFT

- END -

* Joke Homage No: 317
First attributed to John Lennon

Join The Dot

2007-08-18T08:59:00.000Z

Works under consideration: 3
Dark Angels wrestled: 1
Films to write: 1
Life is too short: for worry and Twigletts

Writing a Film Screenplay
I’ve written two short films. The first was a silly promotional one for my friends in the band ‘Head’ (have a look at the link on the right of the page). It involved 70s style flashbacks, a man who thought he was a cat, and the band being chased by a spelling mistake. Typical eh? Wrote the script and didn’t spell check. So the band ends up being chased by a mattress and not the ‘Matrix.’ The other film ‘iCounter’ was the simple tale of ‘boy meets iPod, iPod meets girl, they sing, find love, giant lizards, and the United States invading the UK for our oil.

Join The Dot
Is the working title for a film to enter in the Red Planet Screenwriting Competition. All I know so far is: two narrators, love, a Physical Theatre workshop, dialogue like flint hitting flint, a great bed scene, Powell & Pressburger pleasure in the spirit of people, laughs, several plots colliding, false climax. Boy wants girl, girl is hard to please, girl wants boy, boy changes mind…and that’s it at the moment.

Deadline is 1st September…

S/FX “BOOMHHHHHISSSSS!”

(That was the airbag going off in my head, again)

Dialogue examples
“An episode of the Simpsons came looking for you earlier.”
“All I need now is a snowboarding chick in a Tequila soaked thong.”

And

MAN HOLDS OUT ONE HAND IN FRONT OF HIMSELF

MAN:
This is me.

MAN HOLD OUT OTHER HAND AND LOOKS AT IT

MAN: (cont.)
This is ‘I don’t give a fuck.’

MAN LOOKS FROM ONE HAND TO THE OTHER AND THEN LOOKS THE WOMAN IN THE EYE

MAN: (cont.)
Now join the dot.

- END -

So lots of ideas buzzing around my head. A deadline. O’ and my master plan to promote my writing with short films, winning competitions, cunning weaving myself into the Internet, and generally projecting my worth as ‘Comedy Writer in Waiting’ is…er…well…progressing.

And it's been the ruin of many a poor boy
And God I know I'm one
- The House of the Rising Sun

Pleasure Warnings and Ben Elton

2007-08-14T19:47:00.000Z

Works under consideration: 3
Dark Angels in my Heart: 1
Films to write: 1
Life is too short*: For Cycle Helmets

I’ve decided to have my head fitted with an airbag and have it set to go off every time someone does one of the following:

Mentions Ben Elton
The answer is always: “No not Ben Elton, never Ben Elton. If I was given a choice between a duck and Ben Elton, eat Ben Elton.”
When trapped in a room with a Lion, a fretful Anaconda, and Ben Elton and you have a 9mm Glock 19 Pistol with two bullets left…shoot Ben Elton twice.

“BOOMHHHHHISSSSS!”

Top 100 Cinema Peggings Performed by a Chimp
A TV show with a series of talking airbags tell you what’s good and what they like…

“BOOMHHHHHISSSSS!”

Someone says "Does this top go with these shoes?"
I like to say “They don’t go with Southern England.”

“BOOMHHHHHISSSSS!”

Now A Pleasure Warning
Well we have Health & Safety warnings for everything else. What would a pleasure warning sign look like? A blurred wrist with a large red cross through it and the legend ‘Move along nothing to enjoy here!’ Or ‘Achtung PLEASURE!’

*I’d rather say ‘Life is long enough to do what you want (including staying in bed between the ages of thirteen and twenty-three).’

I don't read the Bible
I don't trust disciple
Even if they're made of marble

Things I meant to say...

2007-08-11T08:16:00.000Z

S/FX A MAN COUGHS LOUDLY.

BTW
‘Cough, Cough.’ I’m over the worst of my bronchial infection (OK. So you’d call it a ‘man cold').

Works under consideration: 3
JazzZombies in my garden: 0 (I think they’re all in Brighton)
Gogol Bordello Tracks in my head: 2
Dark Angels appreciated and rejected: ‘S’ (That’s just the one then)
Films to write: 1
Cheery thoughts: 1 empty swimming pool, 500 naked women, 1 Jimmy Choo catalogue

So here it is. I’m a coward. I’m also very witty after the event. So here are some lines I made up and didn’t use to REAL people.

The Frenchman

The Boss

George W Bush

Can you spot what I said only in my head?

The Frenchman
An important Frenchman once criticised my choice of wine (it was a gentle tease). Here’s what was said.

PHILIPPE:
This is not wine. This is soft fruit in a bottle.

JIM:
Haha! Philippe why don’t you stop being French for a moment? Why not try something different? Why not try being Scottish for the evening? That way you wouldn’t have to worry about your hair, your clothes, or Johnny Halliday, and you could stay up all night polishing your caber.

The Boss
Imagine a Lancashire accent mixed with strong beer.

BOSS:
I like to keep fit with at the gym Jim. How do you keep fit?

JIM:
HaHa! I f**k Polar Bears. Not only does it keep me fit it reduces my carbon footprint by 72.2 per cent.

George W Bush

JIM:
Mr President. Have another pretzel.

‘It's a stupid thing we say, Cursing tomorrow with sorrow…’

The Jeremy Kyle Show on Ice

2007-08-04T09:09:00.000Z

Works under consideration: 5
JazzZombies in my garden: 7
Carbon Footprint: Hobbit
Innocent Thoughts: Lace & Silk

Channel 4 4Laughs Competition this week – is Tony and Cherie Blair appearing on the' Jeremy Kyle Show.' Write a one minute sketch of what happens.

First I had to look up Jeremy Kyle. I’d not heard of him so I caught some flavour on YouTube. I get the picture. A VERY important chap, a bear pit, and interviewees made up of men who can trace their children back to their sisters, and women who frighten firemen.

Below is the sketch in full. Please add your own sequins and imagine yourself slightly drunk wondering why the woman you love tastes of Kebab and what a wonderful idea UKTV Gold really is…

THE JEREMY KYLE ‘SHUT IT’ SHOW ON ICE!

S/FX JEREMY KYLE THEME TUNE MIXED WITH THE THEME FROM THE SWEENY

CU ON ‘JEREMY KYLE’ PULL OUT TO REVEAL HIM WEARING AN ICE DANCE CAT SUIT. REVEAL ALAN AND JUSTIN WEARING ICE DANCE OUTFITS

JEREMY:
I’m Jeremy Kyle. On today’s show, are you a serial TV HERO…on ice? In the studio some really nice people, Tony and Cherie Blair.

CHERIE:
My client is a distinguished politician of many years standing.

JEREMY:
We’ll be the judge of that!

CHERIE:
He has a close relationship with you people.

JEREMY:
Your husband is so bent it’s been impossible to hang the pictures straight at No 10 for the last two years. That’s a fact! What do you say Tony? Are you going to cough to being a TV Hero?

TONY (looking down at his cat suit):
Cherie. I’ve got a hard on like a milk bottle.

CHERIE:
Tony Shut it! And dance.

TONY AND CHERIE START TO DANCE IN AN EXAGGERATED ICE DANCE SORT OF WAY

JEREMY:
I’m Jeremy Kyle. Tony are you the voice of reason?

TONY (to Cherie):
I said shut it!

CHERIE:
I said shut it.

TONY:
Shut it Bitch!

CHERIE:
Shut it Ton’!

JEREMY:
I’m Inspector Jeremy Kyle. Flying Squad!

TONY:
I said shut it first.

CHERIE:
I said shut it second.

TONY:
I said Shut it! Shut it! Shut it. Shut it! Shut it! Shut it! Shut it.

CHERIE DOESN’T REACT

TONY (cont.):
I would like to thank the country for that moment.

CHERIE (whispering out of the side of her mouth):
Shut it.

TONY:
You what?

CHERIE:
I said. SHUT IT!

JEREMY KYLE
I’m Jeremy Kyle.

TONY:
Shut it Jeremy.

CHERIE:
Yeah. Shut it Jeremy.

JEREMY KYLE:
I’m Gordon Brown.

TONY & CHERIE
Shut it Gordon!

TONY AND CHERIE RUSH JEREMY AND DRAG HIM TO THE GROUND. THEY SIT ON HIM ALL THE TIME SCREAMING ‘SHUT IT GORDON!” JEREMY MANAGES TO FREE HIS HEAD AND LOOKS INTO CAMERA

JEREMY:
I’m Jeremy Kyle. They seem like really nice people.

- END -

James Blackshaw plays guitar

They Never Met No: 2.87th

2007-07-31T17:11:00.000Z

You can now leave a comment on my blog.
I don’t get out much and this is my only way of attracting reality.

Works under consideration: 4
JazzZombies in my garden: 81.5
Carbon Footprint: Polar Bear Paw
Regretful Thoughts: Naught

The 2.87th in the third series of ‘They Never Met.’ A series of characters meeting unexpectedly in my head.

No: 2.87
Napoleon v Eddie Izzard

NAPOLEON:
Tres Jolie frock mon brave.

EDDIE:
Merci.

NAPOLEON:
Et le eye shadow really kicks out.

EDDIE:
It’s Jam actually.

NAPOLEON
O’ Oui. Le raspberry.

- END -

Creative Thoughts
I’ve been to a lot of workshops and courses on writing and performing and one of the traditional questions is “Where do you get your ideas from?” The trite answer used to be “I get them from the ‘ideas shop.’” Now it’s “I get them from www.ideas.com.” Ideas are all around. If you can’t find enough pick a number and get that many. How does that work? It works by making you think a little more. The first couple will be inspiration, the next few will be ‘grim’ then you break through to the really interesting stuff. Don’t think on ‘I need an idea.’ Instead think of ‘I want twenty ideas. Look up Gene Perret on Comedy Writing, he’s worth reading.

Now I’m off to hose down the JazzZombies with some GreenDay, a bottle of tree oil, vitriol, some brass cleaner, half a dozen popsicles, a lemon squeezer and the contents of my cafetiere.

Sound

Customers who bought...

2007-07-28T08:27:00.001Z

Works under consideration: 7
JazzZombies in my garden: 82
Empty Wine Bottles: 3
Innocent Thoughts: ‘Fluffy Kitten’

I was talking to Danni ‘The Woof-Woof-Lady’ and telling her about the USB Missile Launcher. You know the one, plug it into your computer and launch foam missiles at work mates, for fun. During my search I came across this on Amazon; a USB Circus Cannon; ‘Includes 3 foam "Rocket Babes" and a circus net to catch them.’

The upsell below the item on Amazon included this:

Customers Who Bought Items Like This Also Bought
The Dambusters
The Best of Depeche Mode Vol I + DVD

A Blip
It’s late and our Amazon customer is…watching the classic WWII 'Dambusters' movie, the sound is turned down, His ‘Best of Depeche Mode Vol I' CD is in the stereo, he’s listening to ‘Strangelove’ while repeatedly firing foam ‘Rocket Babes’ at his naked torso, with intense thought he moves the circus net over his warm skin…

Could this be you?

Hotdog S.M.D

Stormtroopers and JazzZombies

2007-07-23T19:48:00.000Z

Works under consideration: 9
Hangover: 1
Cigarettes Adored: Too Many, really
Innocent Thoughts: [erm!]

So another competition entered. Well three actually. See below for my Stormtrooper caption. I've also entered the script pitch contest for The Friday Night Project My Entries:

Brown's Britain
Alistair Darling is going through Bob Geldof's CV as he applies to join the 'Government of Talents:' "Well Bob Congratulations and welcome to the Ministry, we'd like you to be the first official celebrity hangman for independent television."

Charity Concert
Tony Blair adjusts the explosives strapped to his waist and walks into the middle of Coldplay, much to the chagrin, of a now, drunken, Prince Harry: "Leave it Tone, they are not worth the download."

Brown's Britain
Gordon Brown, although nailed to his personal cross, interviews Madonna, for the new post, Minister of Suffering.

It's late...
As I sit here looking across my acres of moonlit lawn I can…strange… several people, no wait, crowds of them, dozens of men and woman are walking towards the house. Everyone last one of them is wearing black, although it’s hard to be sure with only half a moon tonight. NO! they’re crowding up and blocking the windows. HELP! Some of them have gold chains hanging over their black turtle necks. Many of them are smoking Gitanes. There’s one with a double bass, another with a saxophone. O’ NO! I’m under siege from JazzZombies .

"Guard your GITANES!"

My Caption
"Wait till they find out it doesn't stop at Droidwich."

Struggle, Sketches, and a Bucket of Coffee

2007-07-21T08:50:00.000Z

Works under consideration: 6
Facebook Friends: 25
Cigarettes Adored: Too Many
Innocent Thoughts: 0

STRUGGLE
The pain of sitting here trying to come up with ideas. Nothing interesting is coming into my head. It’s hollow, the muse has bolted and I’m sitting here with only my breathing for company. Still it could be worse. I could be Hazel Blears.

SKETCHES
All I want is to come up with five good ideas for sketch pitches for the Channel 4 4Laughs competition for The Friday Night Project. All I’m getting is Harry Potter, Gordon Brown, Cash for Honours, crucifixion, Tony Blair as a Suicide Bomber, Weapons of mass smoking.

Here are the top three ideas
1. Tony Blair on his first suicide bombing mission
2. Gordon Brown interviewing Maddona on her bid to become the Minister of Suffering (with a hair shirt designed by Dolce and Gabbana). Possible reintroduction of cruxifiction for having Namby Pamby ideas.
3. Pete Doherty doing a line of raisins.

A BUCKET OF COFFEE
See! Something to go on but not quite there. Still a bucket of coffee, a smoke, and some righteous indignation at the nanny-state-caring-for-honours-and holidays-in-Tuscany-with-some-friends-who-happen-to-own-large-parts-of-the-media should re-engage the muse. And you banned smoking in the pub – You Bastards!

Coming up
The final five ideas pitched to Channel 4 4Laughs (sometime…erm…soon).

Pip! Pip!

Lost out and in the Country

2007-07-17T19:43:00.000Z

Works under Consideration: 4
Cigarettes Appreciated: 8

4Laughs Caption Contest
My caption was not quite there and I cry like a wolf at a Tom Hanks movie.

My caption was 'What queuing stunt shortage?'

In The Country
Tartan thermos flask, haystack, cows in a field, a rickety style, Ordanance Survey Map, a picnic....

sorry...

I was rambling.

Now for some 'Tears on a guitar.'

4Laughs Competitions and an Occasional Table

2007-07-16T16:41:00.000Z

Works under consideration: 5
Facebook Friends: 18
Cigarettes Adored: 12
Improper Thoughts: [RESTRICTED]

Entered the 4Laughs regular competitions for the first time. Their site is down so I don’t even know if it’s been accepted. If only you could switch to Internet ‘b.’

On Topical Humour
I find it sooo difficult. If you are faced with putting a funny caption to a picture you have two choices a) You are Paul Merton and therefore you are close to genius b) you sit down and generate as many alternatives as possible and something will turn up. You just get your mind in the right grove and PRACTICE. Check out a comedy ‘Pro’ called Gene Perret and his book ‘Comedy Writing.’ He’s the only guy writing about comedy who is worth reading. To sum it up you learn to roll two disparate ideas together in your mind (without scratching) and something funny will pop out.

Occasional Table
Well I call her Danni*.

Up Coming
Being creative. How to find ideas

Pop! Pop!

*Superglue + forehead+ taking a bow = an occasional table

More Glue Danni, Exploding Hello Magazines, & 4Laughs

2007-07-14T09:42:00.000Z

A big thank you to Danni the ‘Woof Woof Lady’ for suggesting a new Web site.

Fed up with celebrity, reality, messages, and forecourt TV? Visit www.whoshouldisupergluetoday.com and glue someone to something today.

What would you glue to Liz Hurly?

Would Posh Spice stick to a plate of mashed potato?

And is Catherine Zeta Jones ever going to stick to an ‘Adult Deluxe Folding Walker?’

YOUR GLUE – YOU DECIDE!

Hello Magazine
Reached total capacity today and exploded covering a large area in ribbons of ‘personalities.’ The media have been alerted, found apathetic, and are now filming reports based on a old queen who doesn’t like dressing up. Well, she does, she just doesn’t like to be seen dressing up.

Channel 4 4Laughs
Entered my first competition on this site and yes it was the ‘Can I come in?’ (AKA The Sperm) sketch. I’ve been busy and one day someone will use it.

Toot! Toot!

Super Glue and Troggs

2007-07-10T19:23:00.000Z

SUPER GLUE
I woke up this morning and thought of ridding the world of evil. Wasn't quite sure how to do this only armed with an alarm clock and a pillow. Till I spied a tube of super glue. So I've had a very merry day super gluing all the mad, sad and too glad.

In this order:

The Big Brother House - Super glued to a variety of leopards.

Tony Blair - Super glued him to a Pope on a Rope.

George W. Bush - Super glued him to a pretzel.

Osama Bin Laden - to a dove

Madonna - A golden mirror.

Prince Edward - Manhood.

THE TROGGS TAPE
Then I remembered what I was listening to last night. The Troggs Tapes. Which cheered me. Not heard it? Click on the link above and download. You will ache with laughter as Reg Presly and gang make a hit. This is supposed to have been the inspiration for Spinal Tap.

[INSERT MIRTH HERE]

End

Released into the Wild

2007-07-07T12:06:00.000Z

Current Mode
'Happy Bunny'

Rejections this year: 0
Works under consideration: 3
Optimism Level: Moderate

So three more sketches are released to the consideration of BBC7, Play and Record. A new show starting in the Autumn.

Can I Come in?*

For The Tape

Adventure Girl

Can I Come in? I've reworked this one serveral times. It works for Radio but it works best live, especially now I've cut it down by half. Mail me if you fancy reading any of the above.

jim at dreamdrill.com

Next
Coming up with some Internet based characters...Yum Yum.

* Formally know as 'The Sperm'

BBC 7 Sketch Show - Redrafting

2007-07-05T20:23:00.000Z

I'm in a mull with some old sketches I want to send to the BBC7 Script call. I'm thinking of redoing this one 'The Sperm.' I wrote it a while ago for TV. It has some neat visual stuff and is very silly.

S/FX - KNOCKING ON A DOOR.

WENDY: Hello.

WILL: Let me in.

WENDY: What?

WILL: Let me in. I’m a sperm and it’s my job.

WENDY: Have you got any ID?

WILL: I’m a sperm not a Meter Reader. Let me in

WENDY: Is this a joke?

S/FX RUNNING ON THE SPOT

WILL: Survival of the fittest is never a joke.*

Don't quite understand why no one else likes it. Still these and some others will be edited down this week and sent off in hope. Have a look at the link for some examples of other sketches.

*A full version is available on request.

More Hair

2007-07-03T18:37:00.000Z

DANNY: Is your wife* blond?

JIM: I can't be sure.

DANNY: How long have you been together, in need, in delightes, sharing the same breath, triumphing against the hordes of BMW conscious X3 drivers that play tennis?

JIM: That's a long sentence.

DANNY: So what colour is her hair?

JIM: I don't know. She always wears a hat.

DANNY: A hat?

JIM: Well a motorcycle helmet. She was deeply affected by a storm in 1989.

DANNY: I see.

JIM: Of course it might not be her that turns up in bed every night.

DANNY: I'm leaving this blog.

JIM: See you tomorrow

END

* BTW I'm not married

Are Those My Feet?

2007-07-02T20:03:00.000Z

Yes they are and they are very naughty. I've caught them several times taking me outside for a cigarette. God bless the great British sense of smoking outside.

People say to me "Jim you're bald."

But when I explain what happened to my hair they laugh on the other side of their faces (tried that once and tickled my own ear). And I say:

"Well I gave my hair to charity in 1997 and it's currently roofing a barn in Malawi."*

If you gave away a part of your body what would it be?

*I get a postcard now and then.

Here we go again

2007-07-01T17:02:00.000Z

Current Mode
'Return of The Writer'

Rejections this year: 0
Works under consideration: 0
Optimism Level: Moderate
Stress Level: Low to ticklish
Love: Absent

Movies watched this weekend: Hot Fuzz, Dream Girls
Simon Pegg does the Geek Chap very well. Funny in a clever sort of this is a film reference sort of way. Jim Broadbent does it soooo well, in everything. Dreamt Dream Girls had finished and switched it off with thirty minutes to go.

Generate and generate again.
How do you get lots of material? Want to come up with some ideas? Don't limit yourself to 'a few ideas.' Say to yourself I'll come up with twenty. One is easy. Two still easy. Three is fine. Four and Five a mite sad. Then a wall. Push yourself and don't thin. The ideas become silly, REALLY silly and that's where the best stuff can be worked out (after the first inspiration).

Currently working on:
Twenty characters for short web based video. A creation to watch 'Maserarti' Henchman to an unknown evil genius. - MORE SOON -

Press Option 1

2005-11-13T22:37:00.000Z

What a ‘pity’

Why do we write comedy? To make people laugh. Michael Bentine*** once described laughter as ‘White Magic.’

Why fall in love with a woman you shouldn’t?

Current Project
Writing sketches, around ‘Speed-Dating,’ to be used in a film project with another writer, Andrew Ludlam. The idea is to come up with around 20 minutes of comedy material, to be filmed and sent to producers and agents. We could also offer it to dating Web sites. I’d invent a workshop/audition and we’d pick the performers for a shoot early next year.

Why do we write comedy? How many times do I have to tell you, to make people laugh. OK where do ideas come from? If I hear another writer say from a shop around the corner I’ll set my own cliché on him/her/it/Ben Elton. If you want to write you teach yourself to make ideas happen. How do I do that then? Ask yourself one question ‘What if?’ And off you will go.*

Press Option 1 to hear Option 2. Press star at any time…
It’s funny (the ha ha way) that an emotional experience can lead to something you enjoy writing. The experience for me was an hour or more sitting next to a woman I have such a rapport with and just enjoying being present in her company. Her hair, her laugh, her spirit, and my guilty joy. So that experience came to nothing in the real world and it will gnaw at me for at least another two life times. Anyway. My imagination kicked off around not being able to express myself, what might have been, and how we have become used to being given options.

Everything in the modern life is broken down into a ‘process’ and not experience, or feeling, or instinct. I imagined a couple meeting, at a speed-dating event, and only able to express their mutual attraction through the ruse of pretending to speak to each other on the phone. He is the emotional support person. [www.dreamdrill.com/scratchpad.htm]** She is the sensible vital woman of his dreams. It’s a bit like how can you tell when an English man is being emotionally serious? He puts on a funny voice “I was only joking when I said I love you. HaHa”

Today
Optimism level: high (up)
Work under consideration: 3 (up)
Love interest: 2 (down)
Love for someone: ‘All you good, good, people…****’

*I’d also suggest reading some Edward de Bono (don’t take it too seriously and don’t read them all) and those creative ideas books that pop up at airports (A Whack on the Side of the Head – Roger Von Oech is also a good place to gather some tools).

If someone asks you for an idea. Give them twenty. You’ll start well, get silly, come out the other side, go back to really banal, and end up with something useful and unique. Now repeat eight hundred and four times.

**If the link breaks mail jim ‘at’ dreamdrill.com (replace ‘at’ with the @ symbol)

***One of the original Goons, funny, sane, a lover of people

**** By Embrace

A Lap full of ooze

2005-09-17T10:48:00.000Z

There I was trying to finish another speculative sit com script and I lost my energy. I've been attacking it for months. Other things keep getting in the way. Various comedy competitions including 'Shoot The Writers' and the BBC3 Last Laugh, finish a sit com.

I had an email this week saying my sketches for 'Shoot The Writers' would be broadcast 13th October, after midnight on ITV1. I suppose that's a blessing. Not that I'm pleased with the way they've done them but they are very honest and it is a great start.

So what do I do with a half eaten sit com? Months of not getting it done and all because I can't 'fix' the central character. All the other stuff is there and will either fall or stand if I can fix the main man. I've given him a new name 'Van.' I've talked to him. I've invited him out for a coffee, paid him delicious complements and all I get is a blank stare and "You'll never make me alive copper!"

Passion
I go back to my writer's medicine and see that I have no passion. Well, no energy for this piece. Strange as I always thought it would work, 'Wonk UK' is the title. If you don't have passion for it don't build it as they won't come. I'm sure it will come right. I just need to get a few other things finished, like the new Web site www.dreamdrill.com.

’ When all the energy oozed out of my belly. So here I sit with a lap full of ooze.'

'And generally fart the national anthem...'

2005-05-09T02:20:00.000Z

The Secret of my Failure

Rejections this year: 2
Works under consideration: 6
Optimism Level: Moderate
Anger Level: High

Today
Why am I angry? A simple equation Not enough time + Ambition = One Fucked off writer. I have a Sit Com ‘Captain Nice’ out in the world, which is good. A lot of demands on my time and so many interruptions that I could spit, kick a wall, defame a vicar, set fire to a minor MP (party optional), and generally fart the national anthem...

Snippet#1
You are your own medicine. I forget where I first came across this advice (I’ve just googled it and come up with Urine: Your own Perfect Medicine) but it is the only way to learn, learn from yourself. I’ve been to workshops and writing weekends (which were great, particularly the Arvon Foundation, www.arvonfoundation.org). Yet none of them came up with stuff that lends ammunition to your armoury.
How to do it?
Keep a diary or card index, or a database of what works for you when you write and what didn’t. I do it for every project and it pays off. Especially if you have a full time job and you keep coming back to projects. It helps you spot your weaknesses and what works for you…

Today’s Round Up
Never use emoticons, it makes you look like an arse. Learn some deep breathing or a martial meditation, don’t read blogs about writing, go and write. And never forget that Watford was the very first Weapon of Mass Destruction (Watford was banned under the Geneva Convention of 1934).

Note to self
Never, ever call yourself, self, try Tozzer or Abraham, or Mr Knob but never ‘Self’. I’ll concentrate on writing sketches for topical shows and forget about this blog. I have to get more work out in the world. And this week I’ll write two short films, two topical sketches, and finish yet another sit com. “Yeah, right.”

Shameless Plug
Looking for a partially worn comedy writer? See some examples
www.writewords.org.uk/jim_kinloch/
Do you like Head?
Visit www.head-uk.com/editor
and read ‘The Editor Inserts’